Showing posts with label bullying. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bullying. Show all posts

Monday, July 20, 2015

Mindfulness Mondays: Develop your Facebook Filter

Facebook was launched in 2004 as a social networking site for college students.  Since that time it has expanded in scope and accessibility with 1.44 billion active users as of March 2015.

Social networking etiquette appears to be lacking for many. Users seem comfortable posting material that they might not as readily share in face to face interactions.  News events can flare up mean spirited material that triggers strong emotions and test the bounds of "friend-ship."

Develop a personal Facebook filter this week.  Browse your news-feed at a time that negativity is less likely to impact your mood. Monitor your internal response and wish safety, happiness, peace, and love to all people- regardless of their opinion.  Refrain from using social media to persuade, defend, or attack your unlike minded friends.

If your filter isn't working- consider unplugging for awhile.

This week I will be mindful of my Facebook Filter.

Friday, March 13, 2015

5 Steps to becoming an Active Bystander

h/t Dial B for Blog
Do you remember Horton?  He was the elephant in the Classic Dr. Seuss book Horton Hears a Who.  Horton showed moral courage and persistence in “doing the right thing” even though he faced social pressure.   While others teased, taunted, and mocked his beliefs Horton continued to repeat “A person is a person . . .”

On Monday March 9th, the news of a date party bus from the University of Oklahoma singing a racially charged song was released to the media.  People were outraged, every national and local news station covered the story and replayed the video.   There are thousands of Facebook comments about the moral character of these students, some are questioning the Greek System, and others are accusing parents. “They were all singing along” suggests that every student approved of what was going on.

I believe there were passive Hortons on the bus that night. I believe some of the young people silently cringed at the lyrics and sentiment that targeted a group of people, but no one spoke up. If your student was on the bus would he/she have said something?

Social psychology has the answer and you might not like it.  While the origins of this bigoted song is unclear, the reason why many on the bus were singing and others did nothing to stop the behavior is well documented.  It is called the Bystander Effect. Essentially there was a new social norm formulated on that bus, and each individual student felt personally ineffective in doing the right thing.

There is no such thing as an innocent bystander, and we need to be intentional in teaching how to stand up for what is right.  In study after study, the more witnesses that are present and do nothing- the less likely it is that one person will help.  It is a combination of group behavior, and individual psychology. The research interest about bystanders began in Queens, New York in 1964.  While 35 neighbors watched from their apartment windows a young woman was repeatedly stabbed and sexually assaulted.  One person eventually called 911 but it was too late.

The University of Oklahoma date party is not an Oklahoma problem, the Kitty Genovese murder was not a New York problem.The Bystander Effect is a global social problem and we must understand it to make a difference.

We all want to think that we would “do the right thing.” But bystander studies have been conducted regularly with various groups of people in multiple settings since the mid-sixties and the result is the same.  As individuals we lack moral courage as an instinct when we are surrounded by group apathy or aggression.  There is a diffusion of responsibility in crowd behavior that inhibits individual moral ethics.

Social Psychology also offers a solution: Active Bystanding.  Horton was an active bystander in his defense of the Who’s. It is a trainable skill. Beginning with the knowledge that we feel instinctively passive in crowds- we can resist the instinct. Here is how to be a Horton:


  1.   Recognize the uncomfortable feeling you have in your gut when something “feels wrong” to you personally.
  2.   Define the problem (I do not agree with this behavior- this song is racist and inappropriate)- You are affirming your own feeling.
  3.  Seek out at least one other person who is in the crowd who is not actively participating.
  4. Ask that person if they are offended or uncomfortable and enlist their support. (“This feels wrong to me.  Are you uncomfortable too?) You are gathering moral courage in partnering with someone else .
  5.  Do the next right thing. Together you can begin to develop a plan.

A passive bystander tries to ignore or sooth the uncomfortable feelings in one of two ways.  Passive bystanding focuses on the potential negative consequences (social, emotional, and possibly physical) of going “against the group” or they rationalize that since they are not participating they are blameless. These strategies reduce the stress of feeling powerless.

Active bystanding is not natural, but it also isn't really complicated.  Right now you feel a strong “gut” reaction to seeing the video.  Log this outrage for later use. You and your kids/student will be tested ethically at some point in the future.  You will be at a choice point to go with your gut- and go against the crowd or to be passive and feel guilty and later ashamed.

Be proud of yourself.  Be a Horton.

Remember this: The combined act of checking with your internal compass and then expressing out loud even quietly to one other person shifts the bystander effect from passive “I can’t do anything about this” to active “let’s do something."

Let’s make good come from bad.

Want to learn more about active bystanding? Check out the U Matter at U Mass website.

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Creating a Bully Free Home

The statistics about bullying at school are readily available.  Over 160,000 children stay home from school every day in the U.S. because they are afraid of being bullied at school.  Bullies are four times more likely to engage in criminal behavior in adulthood.  Being a bully or a victim increases the likelihood of depression and suicidal thoughts.  Certainly we need to advocate for clear and consistent policies at school, but what can we do at home?

As the leaders in our family we have a responsibility to set the tone and culture within our family.  How we respond to conflict and tension is contagious.  Our kids will watch what we do and pass it on. Both bullies and victims need social skills coaching to break the cycle of bad relationships.   Consider these suggestions to create a bully free home:

Increase your Awareness:
Bullying is a form of aggressive behavior in which someone intentionally and repeatedly causes someone harm or discomfort. It may be physical, verbal, or social. The target is someone who has trouble defending him/herself and does nothing to “cause”the behavior. American Psychological Association
Is there bullying going on between the adults in the family?
If the adults in the family are struggling with aggressive communication then this is the place to start.  I call it the “my way or the highway” view of leadership or the “win-lose” mentality.  If you see things my way, I win.  If you get to do things your way, I lose.  Communication stops being about expression and understanding instead it becomes about persuasion and influence.  Working on this aspect of the adult relationship is foundational.  If patterns are longstanding and persistent, please seek counseling support to learn a new way of interacting that will benefit all of the relationships in your home. 

Create a Family Policy:
Encourage the pro-social behaviors of kindness, empathy, cooperation, and forgiveness.  Make opportunities for everyone to interact positively with one another in group projects, family fun,  and volunteer work.  Assist your children in resolving conflicts through talking and listening and demonstrate how to “agree to disagree.”Make a clear “no bullying” boundary in your family.

Watch this:  Bert and Ernie "agree to disagree."

Intervene quickly
When sibling behavior is escalating into bully/victim roles stop the action immediately and separate the siblings.  Calmly assist each child individually in regaining self-control and then discuss alternative ways to manage frustration. 

The bully needs to recognize that aggressive behavior is unacceptable in the family and will always result in a consequence. Keep intervention quick and clear, the consequence fair and easy to follow through.
The victim needs the reassurance of safety and the message that telling isn’t tattling.  Assertive skills such as telling the sibling that his/her behavior isn’t kind, walking away, and playing somewhere else might need to be practiced.

Apologies are important but need time to be genuine.  If bullying behavior is resistant to change with positive parenting techniques consult with a psychologist or other licensed mental health counselor.  Undiagnosed attention problems, sensory sensitivity, anxiety, or depression can contribute to bullying behavior and more intensive treatment will help you to restore peaceful negotiations in your family.

Be Consistent:
The effort you put into correcting aggressive behavior at home (without losing your temper!) will pay off in the long run.  By creating a bully free zone at home you are increasing the odds that your children will be better problem solvers and prepared with the necessary assertiveness  to manage difficult situations at school and in the community.   


 What family boundaries help you to create a bully free home?