Love and Logic with your Twenty-Something

My husband and I raised our children with Love and Logic, a parenting program developed by Jim Fay and Foster Cline.  The philosophy appealed to us on many levels. “Raise your children to become responsible adults by equal parts nurturing (love, empathy) and logical consequences (natural, imposed).”  Jim Fay reminded us that the cost of mistakes when children are young are much cheaper than the mistakes they will make when they are grown up.  The price tag goes up.

So dutiful Love and Logic parents all over the world celebrated mistakes.  We did not rescue or lecture our little ones.  We poured on the empathy- “that’s a bummer” and let the life lessons happen. It was okay to stay calm when our kids messed up because they were getting a “real life education.”

The problem is that some kids don't make many mistakes when they are little. They have little practice with failure. They just keep "getting it right."  There are kids who work hard and get good grades.  They have great teachers. They do their chores well. They take risks by trying out for something big and they succeed.  Almost – every- stinking- time.

And then it happens. Life gets complicated. 
 

Adulthood is exponentially more difficult than childhood and adolescence.  The responsibilities are simultaneous, disappointments are bigger, the set-backs are scarier. Failing a test is not as big of a consequence as failing a class in college.  Running out of lunch money is definitely a smaller cost than running out of paycheck before the rent payment.

What is a parent to do when faced with a twenty something that is experiencing failure for the first time?  It really is a bummer.

Take a deep breath.  Mistakes are part of growing up.  Your Love and Logic skills will still work!

Here are 5 steps to maintaining a healthy relationship when your twenty-something makes a BIG mistake.

1. Show them how a well put together adult behaves.  Avoid screaming, name calling, or over dramatic displays of concern.  It makes you look less credible. If your accountant cried about your taxes would you go back next year?
2. Be empathic.  Express sadness that life is hard, acknowledge that adulthood takes time. Stay hopeful. Make normal conversation- no one wants to be reminded continually of self improvement.
3. Ask if they want some advice.  Some twenty somethings are too embarrassed to ask for help.  If your adult child is receptive keep your suggestions brief and encouraging. Stay with the plan of ideas not mandates, information not lectures.  Assistance not a bail out.
4. Give them permission to follow or not follow your advice.  Release your wisdom to the universe, do not get invested in the outcome. Remember that mistakes are learning opportunities- Some people need to make multiple learning opportunities before mastery.
5. Give them a chance to try again.  If you do it for them, it is not their practice.  It takes practice to learn how to learn from mistakes.  Sometimes lots of practice.

Repeat steps 1 through 5 as many times as necessary.

Growing up is messy and parenting is hard at every developmental step. Keep your relationship healthy and connected by using your heart and your head- show them your Love and Logic skills!

If at first they don't succeed . . . it's okay.  They will learn from their mistakes-eventually. 

Didn't you?

 

 

 

College kids stay up late!

Many moons ago when I was still struggling to get my daughters to go to bed after "one more glass of water," it was hard for me to imagine a time when my kids would be responsible for setting their own bedtime and waking up without reminding.  One bleary eyed morning I was meeting an older friend for coffee and complaining about our nightly ritual when she shared with me that she canceled curfew for her 18 year old son.  Obviously way past having to tuck him in at night, she gave him the freedom to organize his evenings for most of his senior year. 

She said she would rather he learn the consequences of staying out too late when he was still living at home than when she was paying for his higher education.  In her opinion it prepared them both for his freshman year of college.  A little bit of Love and Logic for the older crowd!

College advisers note that many students are not successful their first year. Time management, sleep difficulties, alcohol, and skipping class are among the top ranking reasons why freshman struggle through this transition. Some kids have "senioritus" in college, with a huge academic consequence.  Part of learning in college is the real world stuff. No matter how late you stay up, morning comes at the same time every day.

I was horrified, terrified, and kind of excited.  The idea of not regulating bedtime forever appealed to me.   On and off for the next dozen years I remembered this sage advice.

So when the time came, I canceled curfew for both of my daughters as part of their 18th birthday celebration. We had lots of practice with "roommate rules" which included letting me know when you are home, the last one in locks the door, shuts off the lights, and everyone sets their own alarm. They each messed up, many times.  Since they were still living at home I made the coffee and enforced going to class so they could be truly miserable.  We repeated this lesson as often as necessary before their freshman year of college.  I learned how to fall asleep when my kids were still out at night, and return to sleep once they checked in.  I didn't have to nag, threaten, or ground them.  It was even kind of fun.

This partnership in learning was successful not because they did it "perfectly" but because they didn't, and they managed the accountability from home. Now that they are both past their freshman year of college they keep weird hours, but its all good.  Transitioning home for breaks means resuming the "roomate rules" that worked since they turned 18.  Now they don't have to check in when they come home, because I know they've got it figured out.  I rest easy.

It will be a long time before our bedtimes are in sync, but that's okay.  I still enjoy making coffee for them in the morning.

Tornado Shelter Parenting

With all eyes on Japan, watching families standing in lines and sorting through the remains of their cities,  I am reminded of the small scale crisis our family faced when we first moved to Oklahoma.  It never occured to us that a family camping trip to Kansas during tornado season would be ill fated.  It seemed like a great idea at the time . . . but with two kids and a minivan full of stuff we found ourselves shortening the trip to head for shelter under an eery green sky.  In a little no name town we followed the siren sounds and signs to a small Baptist church. 
Weather in this region brings interesting collections of people together.  Jim Fay, of Parenting with Love and Logic fame, has described three basic parenting styles.  And sure enough they were represented in the Tornado Shelter. Families (and some pets) of all types, shapes, and styles of parenting.  To our left were the Drill Sargents- scrunched together underneath a table with mom holding a portable radio to her ear shouting out the path of the tornado.  Her children wide eyed and attentive.  To our right were the Helicopters- the parent narrating a story that never included the tornado "This is so much fun, look at all the cute doggies, oh and that cat looks pretty wet, isn't that silly?" The children were understandably confused.  The fear did bring out alot of prosocial behavior, with some helping others to find a place on the floor or sharing a coat while we all waited.  In our case, the disaster was averted, the siren ended, an all clear shouted from underneath the table and we dispersed, strangers again climbing back into our vehicles.

Soothing our children's fears exposes our own attitudes toward stress.  Somewhere in between the Drill sargents and the Helicopters is an intentional response that balances reality with cool headed coping that would be the Consultants in the group.  The parents who gave calm updates with reassurances and encouragement to their families.  They were comforting to us, serving as anonymous mentors that have my gratitude to this day.

I find my thoughts circling back to the current crisis in Japan.  All of those families doing the best they can to keep their children safe and manage themselves. 

What is your response to the Tsunami in Japan?  Have you faced fear together as a family?