Mindfulness Mondays: Connect

Suki providing comfort
to grieving teachers and students
at Trinity School OKC

We are "wired for connection" according to sociologist Brene Brown.  Each of our relationships needs real time attention to grow.

Break through the busyness of social media and embrace face to face meaningful contact with others. There is no substitute for the real thing --Be your authentic self in your relationships this week.




This week I will connect deeply in my relationships.

Cultivating Compassion

h/t Daring Greatly by Dr. Brene Brown

Compassion is a key part of the holidays.  My mailbox is already overflowing with information about suffering and a call to action.  The homeless, veterans, orphans in Africa, are just a few of the very worthy causes that deliver their materials when we are primed for generosity.  It feels wonderful to come into contact with a cause that speaks straight to our heart.

It feels incredible to experience that visceral sensation which energizes and stirs us to think "I can do something about this!" The combined strength of hope and compassion is powerful.

This post is strategically being delivered now because your compassion is needed for an incredibly worthy cause.  There is a struggle that is universal, it cuts across the lines of race, religion, gender, and socioeconomics (to name a few).  The epidemic is SHAME and none of us have complete immunity to its impact on our lives.

Sociologist Dr. Brene Brown identifies shame as ultimately the fear of disconnection. If they (family, work, neighbors, teachers) really knew how inadequate or flawed we are, they wouldn't accept or love us. We can identify the symptoms of shame when we experience a mistake, a misstep, or critical feedback and our internal response is "I am bad, I am not good enough, I can't talk about it." Shame feeds on the darkness of our internal thoughts and if left unchecked it will ruin our self worth and creativity.

Brown has identified the TOP TWELVE SHAME CATEGORIES:

1. Appearance and Body Image
2. Money and Work
3. Motherhood/Fatherhood
4. Family
5. Parenting
6. Mental and Physical Health
7. Addiction
8. Sex
9. Aging
10. Religion
11. Surviving Trauma
12. Being Stereotyped or Labeled

Find any of these categories familiar?  Good.  Recognizing your hot topics for shame is part of building resilience-- your "bounce back" from the spiral of negative messages toward yourself.

The immunity boost for shame is compassion- self compassion.  It involves recognizing the message that says you are not enough and fighting back.  The holiday season has officially begun and many events and experiences will rub right up against these shame categories.

Are you getting that visceral sensation that fills you with energy and stirs you to think "I can do something about this!"?  I hope so . . . because you can.

Practice self compassion when you catch yourself thinking:

"I'm not__________ (thin, organized, dressed well, ...) enough" before company comes over.
"I don't have enough ____________(money, time, energy, ...) to make this holiday special."
"What will people think when they see my _____________________(house, family, dinner, ...)?"

Do you hear the suffering? Can you relate?
Self compassion is speaking the reassurance that you would share with a beloved friend:

"Your company is coming to visit you, not your dress size or your outfit."
"Good for you for inviting people over, you look great."
"Gifts are not about how much you spend or the number of cards you send out."
"The holidays are about gathering- not about to do lists."

YOU are the biggest agent of change in the war against shame.  This season start or renew a commitment to self compassion. Be a beloved friend to yourself.

Santa Fe: Pensamientos Positivos

Sending positive thoughts and beautiful images
 from Santa Fe, The City Different.

"I spent a lot of years trying to outrun or outsmart vulnerability by making things certain and definite, black and white, good and bad.  My inability to lean into the discomfort of vulnerability limited the fullness of those important experiences that are wrought with uncertainty: Love, belonging, trust, joy, and creativity to name a few."
Brene Brown

Creativity: Daring Greatly

The time is now. We have reached the final step in our creative journey. We must face the reality that art is a communication- it breathes life only when it is shared with an audience—Artist and Other. We aren't wholeheartedly creative until our work leaves the laptop, our food is tasted, the publish post button is pushed, the photo framed.  And then we wait.  Knowing that our inner critic will say something angsty like “It is not good enough, it is not perfect, I am not perfect, what will people say and think” because we have no guarantees that this thing that we have put our guts into is going to make any difference to anyone.  We must also be reminded that unless we share it, our creation will not make any difference to us.  If we hold onto our creations too long we will stop being creative.  It takes courage to create, every step of the way. 

Dr. Brene Brown is my virtual mentor in the courage department.  After twelve years of sociological research  her results boil down to this: As humans we are wired for connection, it is why we are here.  However, we can’t connect with others without being vulnerable. Vulnerability is not a weakness it is taking an emotional risk that requires great courage—it is the birthplace of creativity, change, and belonging.  Dr. Brown begins her book Daring Greatly with this quote from Teddy Roosevelt:

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.

The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly . . .  

I hope you have enjoyed the January theme of Creativity.  Please stop by again next month to explore relationships in February.  Dare Greatly.

Mindfulness Mondays: Dare Greatly

"You have to be in it to win it" Inklings at OWFI Contest 

Sometimes anxiety is an emotional sign that we are leaving our comfort zone- taking a risk that will move us forward.  Dr. Brene Brown is a researcher/storyteller at the University of Houston in the graduate college of social work. She encourages us to forge through this form of anxiety by "Daring Greatly."

Start the week with a positive affirmation: 

I CAN DARE GREATLY