Love and Logic with your Twenty-Something

My husband and I raised our children with Love and Logic, a parenting program developed by Jim Fay and Foster Cline.  The philosophy appealed to us on many levels. “Raise your children to become responsible adults by equal parts nurturing (love, empathy) and logical consequences (natural, imposed).”  Jim Fay reminded us that the cost of mistakes when children are young are much cheaper than the mistakes they will make when they are grown up.  The price tag goes up.

So dutiful Love and Logic parents all over the world celebrated mistakes.  We did not rescue or lecture our little ones.  We poured on the empathy- “that’s a bummer” and let the life lessons happen. It was okay to stay calm when our kids messed up because they were getting a “real life education.”

The problem is that some kids don't make many mistakes when they are little. They have little practice with failure. They just keep "getting it right."  There are kids who work hard and get good grades.  They have great teachers. They do their chores well. They take risks by trying out for something big and they succeed.  Almost – every- stinking- time.

And then it happens. Life gets complicated. 
 

Adulthood is exponentially more difficult than childhood and adolescence.  The responsibilities are simultaneous, disappointments are bigger, the set-backs are scarier. Failing a test is not as big of a consequence as failing a class in college.  Running out of lunch money is definitely a smaller cost than running out of paycheck before the rent payment.

What is a parent to do when faced with a twenty something that is experiencing failure for the first time?  It really is a bummer.

Take a deep breath.  Mistakes are part of growing up.  Your Love and Logic skills will still work!

Here are 5 steps to maintaining a healthy relationship when your twenty-something makes a BIG mistake.

1. Show them how a well put together adult behaves.  Avoid screaming, name calling, or over dramatic displays of concern.  It makes you look less credible. If your accountant cried about your taxes would you go back next year?
2. Be empathic.  Express sadness that life is hard, acknowledge that adulthood takes time. Stay hopeful. Make normal conversation- no one wants to be reminded continually of self improvement.
3. Ask if they want some advice.  Some twenty somethings are too embarrassed to ask for help.  If your adult child is receptive keep your suggestions brief and encouraging. Stay with the plan of ideas not mandates, information not lectures.  Assistance not a bail out.
4. Give them permission to follow or not follow your advice.  Release your wisdom to the universe, do not get invested in the outcome. Remember that mistakes are learning opportunities- Some people need to make multiple learning opportunities before mastery.
5. Give them a chance to try again.  If you do it for them, it is not their practice.  It takes practice to learn how to learn from mistakes.  Sometimes lots of practice.

Repeat steps 1 through 5 as many times as necessary.

Growing up is messy and parenting is hard at every developmental step. Keep your relationship healthy and connected by using your heart and your head- show them your Love and Logic skills!

If at first they don't succeed . . . it's okay.  They will learn from their mistakes-eventually. 

Didn't you?

 

 

 

Show me some Love (and Logic)

I bought my first Parenting with Love and Logic by Cline and Fay in 1994 when my oldest daughter was five. I am convinced that this book and all of the derivatives that followed it (Parenting Teens with Love and Logic, Teaching with Love and Logic, etc) made me a better parent.  I wholeheartedly recommend it to the parents in my private practice. 

What's so special about Love and Logic? It is a strategic set of skills that empowers parents to equip their child/children for the REAL WORLD.

Think about this: Instead of nagging, punishing, bribing, and yelling our kids into good behavior we develop skills to give kids responsibility and hold them accountable.  We empathize with the pain of a bad decision instead of screaming them into remorsefulness. 

When I drove 12 miles over the speed limit the police officer was extremely calm when he turned on the flashing lights.  I was aware of my speed. (Gulp) I knew I had messed up. The officer told me what I did wrong and smiled when he gave me the ticket.  "Thank you" I said.  

Imagine if the police officer had been a raving lunatic?  What if when he pulled me over he reminded me that I had ignored a sign that clearly posted the speed limit?  What if he asked me "how many times are you going to make this stupid mistake?" or if he had grounded (jailed) me for a week? or charged me extra for crying when he was yelling at me?

I think you get the picture. Sometimes we parents do silly stuff like that.  It isn't loving.  It clearly isn't logical. It also doesn't work.

This happened over 10 years ago.  To this day I always drive the speed limit . . . on that road. "Policing with Love and Logic "had an impact. Since I haven't gotten a ticket since that time it might have generalized to other streets as well.  Love and Logic capitalizes on the concept that when people feel the weight of  bad decision the lesson tends to stick.

A kid example would be when Sunday mornings are "work first- fun second" at home.  Everyone  pitches in to improve the overall living conditions. After working as a family unit, the kiddos are encouraged to finish up their own spaces (room and bathroom).  The Oldest child piddles, plays, and procrastinates.  Everyone else finishes and it's time to go to the park! 

Parent :"I am so sad that you won't be going to the park today."
Kid: "But I worked so hard! It's NOT FAIR!"
Parent: "I feel bad when I don't finish my work and miss out on things too.  Don't worry.  You will get another chance next week.  I'll be hanging out here in the house with you while you finish up. I know you can do it."
Kid: "THEN can I go?"
Parent: "Not this time buddy.  Everyone is in the car ready to go.  It's okay take all the time you need today. You get another chance next week."

The piddler isn't likely to thank the parent for the accountability lesson.  But, isn't it nice that the parent is still on the child's side?

Top 5 Characteristics of a home that uses Love and Logic principals:

1. Parents send CAN DO messages.
2. Children feel good about themselves.
3. Parents feel good about themselves.
4. Children know more about their STRENGTHS than their weaknesses.
5. Real world/logical CONSEQUENCES are the basic discipline tools.

Intrigued?  Check out http://www.loveandlogic.com  for resources, and come back to this blog for periodic installments of Love and Logic "Pearls of Wisdom." Parenting with Love and Logic books and audiotapes are available at bookstores and on Amazon. 

Fun Fact:  I once had the opportunity to meet with author Jim Fay when he came to speak to our community.  He was witty, engaging, and passionate about developing responsible kids. 

Oh.  And he signed my book

Please comment with an example of Love and Logic in YOUR LIFE!