COMFORT: Preparing for Tornadoes

Oklahoma children are afraid of tornadoes.  They should be.  In 2013 Oklahoma had 82 tornadoes across the state.  If you have never experienced a tornado it is difficult to imagine the quiet calm before the storm-the green sky-the sudden wind. The helpless feeling that comes with the realization that once you seek shelter there is nothing you can do but wait. 

An EF5 tornado can have winds up to 300 mph and cause damage spanning more than 2 miles. Healthy fear helps us to pay attention and get to safety.  Too much fear will make every rain cloud a disaster and disrupt living.   As we begin tornado season here in the Midwest parents need to help children manage their fear through knowledge, safety, comfort, and reassurance. 

Oklahoma parents owe a big thank you to Darleen Bailey Beard for finding the words to describe the before, during, and after of a tornado in her book Twister, beautifully illustrated by Nancy Carpenter.  I use Twister in my practice to help anxious children prepare for Oklahoma weather.  Last year I asked a child to summarize what she was learning from counseling “It is up to the grown-ups to help you know when to get to safety; it is up to kids to follow directions and just be kids until it is over.” Well said.

h/t mari farthing 

Author Darleen Bailey Beard was an encouraging speaker at the recent Oklahoma Writers Federation, Inc.  Conference.  Darleen shared with us that she received a thank you letter from a teacher last year.  The teacher was from Briarwood Elementary in Moore, Oklahoma.   The teacher wrote that on May 20, 2013 she was huddled in her classroom with her students during the deadly EF5 tornado that destroyed much of the town. As the teacher considered how best to reassure the children during the storm she remembered her copy of Twister.  She read to her class and they made shadow puppets on the wall just like the children in the book.  The Weather Channel will be doing a feature (May 19^th tentative air time 8pm) which will include this teacher’s story.  Watch for the listing I am sure it will be educational and inspiring.  A word to the wise: I suggest that parents preview the show rather than watching with children. 

If you live in the Midwest- learn the location of available shelters and educate yourself so you are know how and when to direct your family to safety.  And remember to bring your copy of Twister- it will help with the wait.

Tornado Recovery Links

As Oklahomans we are all coping with the recent tornado that impacted many of our neighbors.
The recovery effort will take a long time and everyone is encouraged to find a way to help. 

Here are some links to help you to help others:

If you are wanting information about how to help your child with fears from the tornado or know someone who would benefit from this information please direct them to MetroFamily Magazine website. I have written an article with practical advice on the topic.

If you are looking for a way to respond to the recovery effort please check out Oklahoma Women Bloggers they have listed many different (and legitimate) ways to help.

During this time of recovery be encouraged to: Get information, seek support, help where you can,
and stay safe.

Wating Room Wi-Fi



google images

Waiting rooms are an interesting microcosm of the world.  Last week when I was checking for my next appointment I noticed that everyone was using technology. Everyone.  There are 10 counselors in our office and every single person in the waiting room was “plugged in” to a hand held screen.  Since studying behavior is kind of my thing, I started tracking.  My week long research startled me.  The readers of magazines/books, and the players of blocks/puzzles are now in the minority.  The shift in technology has officially hit our office in a BIG way. 

 

I like technology, obviously.  Our office has a website.  I call, text, email, blog, research, Facebook, and have Pinterest boards for inspirational quotes and (mostly) healthy recipes.  Our office has a website.  But I am wondering about the cost of screen time to each of us, and to our families.  So I did some more research. Yes, it was online. 

The American Psychology Association website search indicates that when the amount of screen time goes up: attention, sleep, physical activity, social interaction, and grades go down.  Although video games have been linked to improved reaction time in children, and improved surgical skills in surgeons, there is compelling evidence that increased aggression and obesity are also associated with increased video and television usage. 

Adult cell phone use is steadily increasing.  Most of us grownups (72%) use our cell phones for texting, but we tend to use our phones for voice conversations more than texting.  Teens exceed our texting on a 5:1 ratio according to the Pew Internet Research Center.  Younger cell phone users are averaging one and a half hours of texting per day, and one half hour using their cell phones to make voice calls.  This data does not include the use of cell phones for Internet surfing or account for the multi-tasking media use which is commonplace among teens.  It is not unusual, for example, to see teens huddled on the couch watching a movie, playing a game on their individual cell phones, and texting other people.

The last week of April (April 28-May 4) has been designated Screen Free Week by the Campaign for a Commercial Free Childhood.  It may be radical, but I am going to introduce the idea to my family, my clients, and the office waiting room.  Technology may have its place, but it is not meant to replace peaceful silence, reflection, talking, listening . . .

Will you take the challenge? 

I promise to post ideas and inspiration to lighten up your screen use!

Show me some Love (and Logic)

I bought my first Parenting with Love and Logic by Cline and Fay in 1994 when my oldest daughter was five. I am convinced that this book and all of the derivatives that followed it (Parenting Teens with Love and Logic, Teaching with Love and Logic, etc) made me a better parent.  I wholeheartedly recommend it to the parents in my private practice. 

What's so special about Love and Logic? It is a strategic set of skills that empowers parents to equip their child/children for the REAL WORLD.

Think about this: Instead of nagging, punishing, bribing, and yelling our kids into good behavior we develop skills to give kids responsibility and hold them accountable.  We empathize with the pain of a bad decision instead of screaming them into remorsefulness. 

When I drove 12 miles over the speed limit the police officer was extremely calm when he turned on the flashing lights.  I was aware of my speed. (Gulp) I knew I had messed up. The officer told me what I did wrong and smiled when he gave me the ticket.  "Thank you" I said.  

Imagine if the police officer had been a raving lunatic?  What if when he pulled me over he reminded me that I had ignored a sign that clearly posted the speed limit?  What if he asked me "how many times are you going to make this stupid mistake?" or if he had grounded (jailed) me for a week? or charged me extra for crying when he was yelling at me?

I think you get the picture. Sometimes we parents do silly stuff like that.  It isn't loving.  It clearly isn't logical. It also doesn't work.

This happened over 10 years ago.  To this day I always drive the speed limit . . . on that road. "Policing with Love and Logic "had an impact. Since I haven't gotten a ticket since that time it might have generalized to other streets as well.  Love and Logic capitalizes on the concept that when people feel the weight of  bad decision the lesson tends to stick.

A kid example would be when Sunday mornings are "work first- fun second" at home.  Everyone  pitches in to improve the overall living conditions. After working as a family unit, the kiddos are encouraged to finish up their own spaces (room and bathroom).  The Oldest child piddles, plays, and procrastinates.  Everyone else finishes and it's time to go to the park! 

Parent :"I am so sad that you won't be going to the park today."
Kid: "But I worked so hard! It's NOT FAIR!"
Parent: "I feel bad when I don't finish my work and miss out on things too.  Don't worry.  You will get another chance next week.  I'll be hanging out here in the house with you while you finish up. I know you can do it."
Kid: "THEN can I go?"
Parent: "Not this time buddy.  Everyone is in the car ready to go.  It's okay take all the time you need today. You get another chance next week."

The piddler isn't likely to thank the parent for the accountability lesson.  But, isn't it nice that the parent is still on the child's side?

Top 5 Characteristics of a home that uses Love and Logic principals:

1. Parents send CAN DO messages.
2. Children feel good about themselves.
3. Parents feel good about themselves.
4. Children know more about their STRENGTHS than their weaknesses.
5. Real world/logical CONSEQUENCES are the basic discipline tools.

Intrigued?  Check out http://www.loveandlogic.com  for resources, and come back to this blog for periodic installments of Love and Logic "Pearls of Wisdom." Parenting with Love and Logic books and audiotapes are available at bookstores and on Amazon. 

Fun Fact:  I once had the opportunity to meet with author Jim Fay when he came to speak to our community.  He was witty, engaging, and passionate about developing responsible kids. 

Oh.  And he signed my book

Please comment with an example of Love and Logic in YOUR LIFE!

Let The Wild Rumpus Start

A great children's book has the ability to take a singular experience and create the universal.  Every kid can relate to Max and the havoc he created in his wolf suit.  Looking at Where the Wild Things Are by Maurice Sendak through its storytelling value we have the opportunity to spark conversation about anger, separation fear, time out, parental love, and bounce back from stress. 

 

Maurice Sendak won the Caldecott Medal in 1964 for this classic picture book.  He grew up when the depression, the Holocaust, and the kidnapping of the Lindbergh baby were world headlines in his Brooklyn neighborhood.  Mr. Sendak was controversial in his courage to reproduce the intense fears of childhood in story form.

Where the Wild Things Are is my all time favorite (I have many favorites but this one has been longstanding!) so I wanted to start here to book review and encourage a revival of reading time. My vision of A Storytelling Parent is an intentional parent who selects books to help their child with everyday problems and unusual life experiences.  A Storytelling Parent is both a comfort and a resource.

Be a Storytelling Parent:

Read or re-read the book to yourself first. Reflect on recent experiences with your child and their needs at this time as they relate to the story.  Review the conversation sparks and lessons in bounce back guides.  Be mindful in the present experience of reading and listening to your child

Find a quiet place to snuggle with your child and a copy of  Where the Wild Things Are. Read the book at a slow and steady pace so you and your child can take in the pictures and the mood of the story.  Pause before reading the last page: "and it was still hot."

Conversation Sparks

 Why did Max's mom send him to bed early?

How did Max feel when he was alone in his room?

How does Max use his imagination to calm himself down?

Do you think those monsters are scary?

Why isn't Max afraid?

Can you remember Max's trick to tame the wild things?

Why did Max send the wild things off to bed?

Does Max's mom love him even when he does bad things?  How do we know?

 Lessons in Bounce Back

How would Max feel if he used time out to focus on how hungry he was?

     How would the story change if Max used time out to think about how unfair it was that his  wild rumpus ended? Or how mean his mom was?

 

Story time is an opportunity of attachment first, learning second. Pick and choose your questions based on your child and their current need for help in these areas. Storytelling is interactive, and informative to both parent and child--You may be surprised at the answers you will get if you wait! 

Because life has many chapters, every child needs a storytelling parent.

 Please share a favorite insight from your Storytelling with your own wild thing!

Tornado Shelter Parenting

With all eyes on Japan, watching families standing in lines and sorting through the remains of their cities,  I am reminded of the small scale crisis our family faced when we first moved to Oklahoma.  It never occured to us that a family camping trip to Kansas during tornado season would be ill fated.  It seemed like a great idea at the time . . . but with two kids and a minivan full of stuff we found ourselves shortening the trip to head for shelter under an eery green sky.  In a little no name town we followed the siren sounds and signs to a small Baptist church. 
Weather in this region brings interesting collections of people together.  Jim Fay, of Parenting with Love and Logic fame, has described three basic parenting styles.  And sure enough they were represented in the Tornado Shelter. Families (and some pets) of all types, shapes, and styles of parenting.  To our left were the Drill Sargents- scrunched together underneath a table with mom holding a portable radio to her ear shouting out the path of the tornado.  Her children wide eyed and attentive.  To our right were the Helicopters- the parent narrating a story that never included the tornado "This is so much fun, look at all the cute doggies, oh and that cat looks pretty wet, isn't that silly?" The children were understandably confused.  The fear did bring out alot of prosocial behavior, with some helping others to find a place on the floor or sharing a coat while we all waited.  In our case, the disaster was averted, the siren ended, an all clear shouted from underneath the table and we dispersed, strangers again climbing back into our vehicles.

Soothing our children's fears exposes our own attitudes toward stress.  Somewhere in between the Drill sargents and the Helicopters is an intentional response that balances reality with cool headed coping that would be the Consultants in the group.  The parents who gave calm updates with reassurances and encouragement to their families.  They were comforting to us, serving as anonymous mentors that have my gratitude to this day.

I find my thoughts circling back to the current crisis in Japan.  All of those families doing the best they can to keep their children safe and manage themselves. 

What is your response to the Tsunami in Japan?  Have you faced fear together as a family?

Take a (spring) break and make memories

Staying home for Spring Break doesn’t have to be a bummer. The stories that children tell me about their mini vacation from school rarely have to do with where they’ve spent their time- it is all about how they’ve spent their time. Busy schedules, working parents, and homework make all ages hungry for a little down time.  With some planning and an eye for fun, you can create magic without Disney.

1.       Pajama Day.  Just like it sounds.  Stay in pajamas all day without having to be sick.

2.       Read—a –thon, Movie—a –thon, Videogame—a –thon.  Any repeatable fun activity.

3.       Day Trips. Pack a lunch and jump in the minivan and go.  To the park, zoo, museum, . . .

4.       Indoor Camp out.  Set up a tent in the living room, grill dinner and s’mores on the BBQ, and add friends and maybe some flash lights.

5.       Make something, bake something, and try something new.  The point is for everyone to be a beginner together.

Ordinary activities can be elevated to extraordinary when you add creativity to the extra time of Spring Break.   What about cleaning the house with loud music (oldies or musicals)?  How about homework in the backyard or in the park?  Taking the dog for a walk in a different neighborhood? 

So what if you have some ideas for fun quality time with your children and one or all of them misbehave?  Teach them a valuable lesson in forgiveness and mercy.  Being grounded for Spring Break is miserable for everyone.  Save the longer consequences for the rest of the semester!

When I asked my young adult daughters what they remember from previous spring breaks, they reminded me of our “tradition” of shopping for new flip flops. The idea of kicking off our boots with visions of bare feet in our future was a celebration.  Now that they are older I am thinking of throwing in a pedicure.

·         How will you make memories this Spring Break?

·         What are some highlights from past school vacations?