Love and Logic with your Twenty-Something

My husband and I raised our children with Love and Logic, a parenting program developed by Jim Fay and Foster Cline.  The philosophy appealed to us on many levels. “Raise your children to become responsible adults by equal parts nurturing (love, empathy) and logical consequences (natural, imposed).”  Jim Fay reminded us that the cost of mistakes when children are young are much cheaper than the mistakes they will make when they are grown up.  The price tag goes up.

So dutiful Love and Logic parents all over the world celebrated mistakes.  We did not rescue or lecture our little ones.  We poured on the empathy- “that’s a bummer” and let the life lessons happen. It was okay to stay calm when our kids messed up because they were getting a “real life education.”

The problem is that some kids don't make many mistakes when they are little. They have little practice with failure. They just keep "getting it right."  There are kids who work hard and get good grades.  They have great teachers. They do their chores well. They take risks by trying out for something big and they succeed.  Almost – every- stinking- time.

And then it happens. Life gets complicated. 
 

Adulthood is exponentially more difficult than childhood and adolescence.  The responsibilities are simultaneous, disappointments are bigger, the set-backs are scarier. Failing a test is not as big of a consequence as failing a class in college.  Running out of lunch money is definitely a smaller cost than running out of paycheck before the rent payment.

What is a parent to do when faced with a twenty something that is experiencing failure for the first time?  It really is a bummer.

Take a deep breath.  Mistakes are part of growing up.  Your Love and Logic skills will still work!

Here are 5 steps to maintaining a healthy relationship when your twenty-something makes a BIG mistake.

1. Show them how a well put together adult behaves.  Avoid screaming, name calling, or over dramatic displays of concern.  It makes you look less credible. If your accountant cried about your taxes would you go back next year?
2. Be empathic.  Express sadness that life is hard, acknowledge that adulthood takes time. Stay hopeful. Make normal conversation- no one wants to be reminded continually of self improvement.
3. Ask if they want some advice.  Some twenty somethings are too embarrassed to ask for help.  If your adult child is receptive keep your suggestions brief and encouraging. Stay with the plan of ideas not mandates, information not lectures.  Assistance not a bail out.
4. Give them permission to follow or not follow your advice.  Release your wisdom to the universe, do not get invested in the outcome. Remember that mistakes are learning opportunities- Some people need to make multiple learning opportunities before mastery.
5. Give them a chance to try again.  If you do it for them, it is not their practice.  It takes practice to learn how to learn from mistakes.  Sometimes lots of practice.

Repeat steps 1 through 5 as many times as necessary.

Growing up is messy and parenting is hard at every developmental step. Keep your relationship healthy and connected by using your heart and your head- show them your Love and Logic skills!

If at first they don't succeed . . . it's okay.  They will learn from their mistakes-eventually. 

Didn't you?

 

 

 

Connection: Let's talk about Healthy Relationships!

h/t Pinterest 2014

How do you talk to your teen or young adult about dating and relationships?  John Van Epp, Ph.D. has some helpful ideas.  He is a counseling psychologist who couldn't help but notice that when his clients were satisfied in a relationship they spoke positively about their boyfriend/girlfriend.  But . . . after a break up that same special someone was described as a “jerk” and all of the negative things that were happening within the relationship were revealed.  Those revelations in therapy lead Van Epp on a quest through the research on attachment, marital satisfaction, and relationships.  The result was his book (although I am not a big fan of the title): How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk, (2008).

Unfortunately, I didn't find this book until after my daughters were launched from home.  Fortunately, I had finished reading it when the Alpha Chi Omega Sorority asked me to speak at their chapter meeting about healthy relationships.  AND one of my daughters was in the audience (score!).

According to the research there are five key factors in all relationships:

Knowing:   A combination of time, talk, and togetherness helps you to know a person.

Trusting: You should be able to see patterns of behavior that gives you a “safe” feeling that this person is honest and worthy of your trust. 

Reliance:  When a person enters a new relationship they should enter as an independent person, capable of taking care of their own needs. 

Commitment:  How invested you are in making the relationship work, your long term vision of the connection.

Touching:  Choices of physical closeness and intimacy.

Healthy relationship habits are created by deliberately PACING and SEQUENCING these factors.   It is important in forming a new relationship that you notice how a person treats others, if he/she is consistent in character in a variety of settings, and under a variety of different conditions (like how does he react when the waiter brings him the wrong food?).  This time investment helps you see if there is a match between what the person SAYS and what the person DOES, which builds trust.  Overtime with knowing and trusting a person, you can feel comfortable relying on them sometimes for help.  As you are including this person in your life you can assess the mutual development of commitment, which then makes you feel safer in the level of physical intimacy in the relationship. 

Makes total sense doesn't it?  It is basically a guide to using your whole brain (thoughts and feelings) in building a relationship.

This past Sunday the Alpha Chi Omega girls were huddled together taking notes and making connections about past relationships- many shared very openly about “deal breakers” that followed the model.  I don’t presume that your young person will take notes when you talk to them about how to pace a relationship, but maybe they would read this and be open for conversation?  Just a thought- Good luck!

The Places You'll Go

Launching our soon to be graduate student into her first "real" apartment in a "real" city has regretfully interrupted my blog posting about Santa Fe.  To fill the silence this week please accept my apologies and pictures that are worth approximately 1,000 words.

It has been an incredible journey, this raising a child to adulthood thing.
 

Congratulations!

Today is your day.

You're off to Great Places!

Youre off and away!

You have brains in your head

You have feet in your shoes.

You can steer yourself

any direction you choose.



 Your on your own. And you know what you know.

And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go.

And will you succeed?

Yes! You will, indeed!

(98 3/4 percent gaurenteed.)

KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!"

Dr. Seuss, Oh The Places You'll Go!

 

Don't forget to call home sometimes.