Stress Busting in the Transition Teen Years

Last month I had the opportunity to talk to parents of 5th through 9^th grade students about stress. The transition to middle school and high school is filled with anticipatory anxiety for students and their parents. 

Each parent participant received a handout, a rubber band, and a candy bar.

There are multiple external stressors that we can predict in the transition years: The impact of puberty, dating-driving-fitting in, and juggling multiple teachers and deadlines. With all of this going on outside, how each student perceives the changes/challenges is the measure of internal stress.

My message to parents: Lean in, listen more than you speak, and model/teach good coping skills.  All too often parents confuse removing stress with reducing stress.  Many fall into the trap of rescuing their child from external stress like the “mean teacher, or the “unfair loss” instead of seeing the opportunity to help build stress busting skills. It is easy to overlook the internal sources of stress.

The key to thriving (at any age) is learning how to manage the effects of stress.The handout was for parents to take notes or doodle if necessary.

Top External Stress for Teens: 

School and balancing their schedule

In the 2014 Stress in America survey our teenagers were reporting experiencing stress at higher rates than adults.  Despite feeling more stressed, these same respondents were unaware of the effects of chronic untreated stress and expressed poor confidence in their ability to manage their stress.  

Top stress buster of choice: 

Distraction

Of the many ways to manage stress distraction is the LEAST effective way to reduce the feelings and negative effects of stress. They may look relaxed, but avoidance is ramping up the pressure inside.  

  

The rubber band was to remind parents that stress is not all bad.  It is healthy for kids to learn how to stretch and to find their sweet spot in how much stress is "just right," students also need help in learning how to return to a resting state (recovery). 

A good stretch is learning how to access motivation, manage difficult people, speak up when your friends are mean, try something new.  Parents can help encourage good stretches, monitor when the stretch goes too far, and connect kids with healthy alternatives beyond distraction to manage stress.

Alternative Stress Busting Options:

1. Exercise: Take a walk, bring them to the gym, train for a fun run, work in the yard.
2. Nature: Go to the park, take a hike, read outside.
3. Sleep: Naps should be restricted to 20-25 minutes. Regular bedtimes and wake times encouraged. Recommendation is 8 to 10 hours each night.
4. Positive Friendships: A few "high maintenance" friends is fun, too many is adding to stress load. 
5. Hobbies: Not every sport or instrument is a source of college scholarship. Help your teen to try things for sheer enjoyment.
6. Music: How about a playlist for AP World studying? Engage with your student in discovering the connection between music and mood.

This is a sampling of the many possible stress busting activities that assist parent and teen in managing stress through the transition years.  So what is the significance of the candy bar?  I wanted parents to lighten up and recognize the sweet parts of raising their kids through the teen years.

Also I generally think that chocolate is a nice idea when talking about stress. 

If you know someone with a teen in transition that would benefit from this post, please share the link! 

Resilient Leadership

Oklahoma State Superintendent Conference February 2015
Dr. Robert Romines

Resilience skills apply to every aspect of life: personal and professional.  Imagine if you were stepping into a new work position during a natural disaster- your responsibilities include the safety of children, teachers, and communicating calm to parents. This is the story of Dr. Robert Romines, Superintendent of the Moore, Oklahoma school district.  In February of this year I had the honor of meeting this “ordinary hero” who demonstrates resilient leadership.

On May 20, 2013 an F5 tornado impacted the community of Moore, Oklahoma and the 23,000 students in Dr. Robert Romines' care. 

He was a first responder to the school buildings destroyed by the storm and helped rescue teachers and students from the disaster sites.  Within moments of learning of the 7 student deaths in the Briarwood school, Dr. Romines was called upon to speak to the media. He communicated reassurance and realistic hope. 

The tornado ended the school year only days away from the planned summer dismissal.  Within the week Dr. Romines assembled a team to provide safe spaces for every student to return for their first day of the next school year.  From May 21 through August 16, 2013 Romines led with the mantra “Anything is possible.”

Understandably, two years later he is still tearful and managing emotions speaking about the events of the Tornado and the rebuilding/recovery effort that followed. Dr. Romines' leadership continues in his Monday email sent out to every family in his district with a “weather update” for the week.

Ordinary people can do extraordinary things utilizing resilience skills: Support, flexibility, decisiveness, and perspective. 

Are you leading your personal life with resilience? 

Are you practicing resilience in your parenting?  

Love and Logic with your Twenty-Something

My husband and I raised our children with Love and Logic, a parenting program developed by Jim Fay and Foster Cline.  The philosophy appealed to us on many levels. “Raise your children to become responsible adults by equal parts nurturing (love, empathy) and logical consequences (natural, imposed).”  Jim Fay reminded us that the cost of mistakes when children are young are much cheaper than the mistakes they will make when they are grown up.  The price tag goes up.

So dutiful Love and Logic parents all over the world celebrated mistakes.  We did not rescue or lecture our little ones.  We poured on the empathy- “that’s a bummer” and let the life lessons happen. It was okay to stay calm when our kids messed up because they were getting a “real life education.”

The problem is that some kids don't make many mistakes when they are little. They have little practice with failure. They just keep "getting it right."  There are kids who work hard and get good grades.  They have great teachers. They do their chores well. They take risks by trying out for something big and they succeed.  Almost – every- stinking- time.

And then it happens. Life gets complicated. 
 

Adulthood is exponentially more difficult than childhood and adolescence.  The responsibilities are simultaneous, disappointments are bigger, the set-backs are scarier. Failing a test is not as big of a consequence as failing a class in college.  Running out of lunch money is definitely a smaller cost than running out of paycheck before the rent payment.

What is a parent to do when faced with a twenty something that is experiencing failure for the first time?  It really is a bummer.

Take a deep breath.  Mistakes are part of growing up.  Your Love and Logic skills will still work!

Here are 5 steps to maintaining a healthy relationship when your twenty-something makes a BIG mistake.

1. Show them how a well put together adult behaves.  Avoid screaming, name calling, or over dramatic displays of concern.  It makes you look less credible. If your accountant cried about your taxes would you go back next year?
2. Be empathic.  Express sadness that life is hard, acknowledge that adulthood takes time. Stay hopeful. Make normal conversation- no one wants to be reminded continually of self improvement.
3. Ask if they want some advice.  Some twenty somethings are too embarrassed to ask for help.  If your adult child is receptive keep your suggestions brief and encouraging. Stay with the plan of ideas not mandates, information not lectures.  Assistance not a bail out.
4. Give them permission to follow or not follow your advice.  Release your wisdom to the universe, do not get invested in the outcome. Remember that mistakes are learning opportunities- Some people need to make multiple learning opportunities before mastery.
5. Give them a chance to try again.  If you do it for them, it is not their practice.  It takes practice to learn how to learn from mistakes.  Sometimes lots of practice.

Repeat steps 1 through 5 as many times as necessary.

Growing up is messy and parenting is hard at every developmental step. Keep your relationship healthy and connected by using your heart and your head- show them your Love and Logic skills!

If at first they don't succeed . . . it's okay.  They will learn from their mistakes-eventually. 

Didn't you?

 

 

 

Mindfulness Monday: Honoring your child's spirit

Cousins.  Most of them share  DNA (nature).  Some of them are siblings and have a similiar upbringing (nurture).

Each of them has a unique spirit. 

In The Conscious Parent (2010) Dr. Shefali Tsabary encourages parents to address these issues:

How can I parent my children with an awareness of what they truly need from me, and become the parent they deserve to have?

How can I rise above my own fear of change and transform myself to meet the requirements of my child's spirit?

Am  I able to perceive my relationship with my children as a sacred relationship?



I am posting this as I travel to visit family and recharge on vacation.  Dr. Tsabary's book is a welcome companion as I continue  launching my young adult children into the next chapter of their life story.  The Conscious Parent reminds me that good parenting is a metamorphasis, we are changed by the children we are blessed to raise.  It is an exciting and challenging journey.

                                              I will honor my child's unique spirit.

ANXIETY: TEENS and STRESS- OH MY!

Edmond Public Schools organized a Parent University on Tuesday to support parents in continuing their education about kids, stress, and resilience. I am re-posting this from April of last year as a review for attendees and to reach out to others.  If this post is helpful to you as a parent please share with others. Thank you for reading. Lisa

D o you think the teen slumped on your couch watching marathon Dance Mom episodes is “chilling out?”  Think again.

According to the American Psychological Association’s survey on Stress in America - your teen is probably stressed out and trying distraction to calm down-which doesn't work well. This year’s online survey which included over 2,000 teenagers (13-17) and adults (18 and older) showed an overall increase in the reported stress of our nation’s teenagers- at stress levels higher than adults. 

What are teens stressed about? 

School (89%), which included getting into a good college and what to do after high school. 

Balancing schedule (school, home, extracurricular) (59%).

Despite the reported high levels of stress over half of the teens reported a lack of confidence in their ability to manage stress, and recognize that they are not doing enough to manage it.  Many of the teenagers endorsed stress related symptoms:  Feeling irritable, tired, overwhelmed, depressed or sad, procrastinating, changed sleeping habits, concentration problems, and eating too much or skipping meals.  The teens in the highest stress group were more likely to use distraction through sedentary activities like movies, television, or surfing the internet.

How adults can help:

Good stress management habits sound exactly like a nag list- but they work.   Adults participating in the survey acknowledged poor coping strategies for managing stress, so be aware of what you are modeling.  Teenagers will notice what you do and tune out what you say, especially when there is a mismatch.

In other words this nag list is for you as well:

TALK MORE: Take time to share the pressures you are feeling with a trusted friend and/or family member.  Consider creating a list of things that are bothering you and get some feedback about developing priorities and solutions.  Holding in your emotions creates a heavy burden (and adds more stress!).

MOVE MORE:  Teens and adults report “feeling better” physically and emotionally after exercise, but few have created a practice of regular work outs.  All movement counts so be creative in finding something that you can enjoy.  Dance, run, hike, rip stick, tennis, and training for meaningful marathons are all possibilities to explore

.

SLEEP MORE: The average stress level for teenagers sleeping less than eight hours on a school night is 6.2 out of 10.  Taking naps and boosts of caffeine to make it through the day becomes a negative cycle that adds to perceived stress.  Create a family culture that fosters healthy sleep habit by setting a screen curfew.  Make sure you abide by the rules too!

PLAY MORE: Develop hobbies and interests beyond school and work.  Invest in classes that are just for fun, throw a Frisbee outside, visit random museums.  Use your weekends for more than errand running and chores.

BALANCE MORE: We humans need to maintain even portions of “being” and “doing.” If your teenager has over-committed help them to sort through and prioritize their schedule so it feels less intense.  Even if your student gets behind in class work- support time for rest and fun so they have the energy to shrink stress down to size.

Help encourage a well rounded life for your family.  Stress busting begins at home.

Generosity is a Gift

Part of a child’s growing self-awareness is the instinct to stake a claim on what is “mine.” This is why “mine” is a common refrain for typical toddlers (my toy, my cup) and teenagers (my room, my cell phone).  Advertisements for the latest, greatest, shiniest objects are eye-level for these suggestible consumers- which can give most kids the gimmies. If your child is different- celebrate that!   For the rest of us the job of cultivating generosity rests on our shoulders. 

If you wish to focus on generosity this holiday, don't be discouraged by developmental self-centeredness. Get clarity as a parent about how you want to teach generosity. What opportunities resonate for you- is it generosity of time, abundance, or finances?  Is it a particular cause that has impacted your family in some way?  Is it an awareness of a need in your neighborhood or community?  Being intentional in how you express generosity with your children will produce the greatest long term impact. Prepare them for the generous mindset through your announcement of a special project this year.

Less effective:

“You guys have NO IDEA how fortunate you are.  You are spoiled and selfish, you need to shape up and give away some of this junk that you don’t appreciate.”

More effective:

“Mrs. Smith is grieving the loss of her husband this holiday.  I bet she is feeling lonely and overwhelmed.  What can we do to show her that we care?”

One year we decided to try volunteering at the Edmond Community Thanksgiving Dinner when our daughters were 4 and 8.  We thought it would be a special way to be generous with our time before we sat down to our own family Thanksgiving feast.  A frantic hostess greeted us with the news  “guests are coming to eat in twenty minutes and we can’t find the cranberry sauce!” Cans of donated cranberry sauce were missing somewhere in the building and she asked for volunteers to do a search and rescue. FYI: Four year olds are great at hide and seek!  Our daughter’s first volunteer experience was manning the can opener so that cases of cranberry sauce could fulfill their Thanksgiving Destiny. That was sixteen years ago, and we haven’t missed a Community Dinner yet.  Our daughters have recruited friends, and boyfriends to be generous with their time on Thanksgiving.  Sometimes the gift of generosity becomes a tradition!

 Other ideas:

• ·         One family makes cards for the residents of a senior center in memory of their grandma who once lived there.
• ·         An athletic family collected used bicycles to donate to people affected by weather disasters.
• ·         This year there is a drive to help families who lost their homes in the Moore Tornado with Christmas preparations. (This one is time sensitive- so please check the link now if you want to be involved)

How are you planning to give the gift of generosity with your family?

College kids stay up late!

Many moons ago when I was still struggling to get my daughters to go to bed after "one more glass of water," it was hard for me to imagine a time when my kids would be responsible for setting their own bedtime and waking up without reminding.  One bleary eyed morning I was meeting an older friend for coffee and complaining about our nightly ritual when she shared with me that she canceled curfew for her 18 year old son.  Obviously way past having to tuck him in at night, she gave him the freedom to organize his evenings for most of his senior year. 

She said she would rather he learn the consequences of staying out too late when he was still living at home than when she was paying for his higher education.  In her opinion it prepared them both for his freshman year of college.  A little bit of Love and Logic for the older crowd!

College advisers note that many students are not successful their first year. Time management, sleep difficulties, alcohol, and skipping class are among the top ranking reasons why freshman struggle through this transition. Some kids have "senioritus" in college, with a huge academic consequence.  Part of learning in college is the real world stuff. No matter how late you stay up, morning comes at the same time every day.

I was horrified, terrified, and kind of excited.  The idea of not regulating bedtime forever appealed to me.   On and off for the next dozen years I remembered this sage advice.

So when the time came, I canceled curfew for both of my daughters as part of their 18th birthday celebration. We had lots of practice with "roommate rules" which included letting me know when you are home, the last one in locks the door, shuts off the lights, and everyone sets their own alarm. They each messed up, many times.  Since they were still living at home I made the coffee and enforced going to class so they could be truly miserable.  We repeated this lesson as often as necessary before their freshman year of college.  I learned how to fall asleep when my kids were still out at night, and return to sleep once they checked in.  I didn't have to nag, threaten, or ground them.  It was even kind of fun.

This partnership in learning was successful not because they did it "perfectly" but because they didn't, and they managed the accountability from home. Now that they are both past their freshman year of college they keep weird hours, but its all good.  Transitioning home for breaks means resuming the "roomate rules" that worked since they turned 18.  Now they don't have to check in when they come home, because I know they've got it figured out.  I rest easy.

It will be a long time before our bedtimes are in sync, but that's okay.  I still enjoy making coffee for them in the morning.

The Independence of Young Adulthood

Once you are a mom, you will always be a mom. 

But parenting is a time limited job. If you are good at it you will be become obsolete in that role.  Since the goal is to raise a child, once that child is an adult you are done with the parenting part.  If you are wise you will slowly move yourself into a consultant role to your emerging adult as a mutual process. It is painful, wonderful, exciting, terrifying, and true.  You will not always be a parent.

My first wake up call to the shelf life of my own parenting was at the office.  I was listening to this young man who was preparing for his senior year of high school.  He was such a capable kid; strong character, good grades,terrific support system, many talents and abilities.  He expressed concern about the frightening personality change in his mother.  She was suddenly "always mad." She had transformed into this controlling, obsessed, critical, zombie woman.  He dreaded the "nagfest" every time he ran into her, which was less and less frequent as he was trying to avoid her drama.
"This morning was the WORST! She actually made little sticky notes with things she wants me to do and covered my door with them while I was asleep! What is wrong with her?" He was worried.

Although I wasn't sure, I said that I suspected that his mom was feeling time slip away. This time next year he would be preparing for college. "I know it sounds wierd but I think she is trying to let you know that she will miss you." I suggested that he set up a time to talk with her and take notes about what she thought was important to accomplish in preparing for his future. "She will be okay again." I reassured him.

Later I drove home to remove all of the sticky notes I had plastered all over my daughter's bedroom door.  Good thing she slept past noon. 

Developmental psychologists suggest that for most kids there is a gradual letting go of parental dependence at the rate of about 10% each year starting at age 10.  It is not that 10-20s  don't need parenting- more that it is natural for kids to attempt increased decision making during this time period.  In contrast, some kids are steadfast in their dependency until one day they peel themselves off like a used bandaid.  Funny thing.  Parenting works like that too!  If you prepare yourself a little at a time by giving your kiddo practice with increased independence in decisions and self-management, the shift is subtle.  But if you wait too long, do too much, barge in with your sticky notes, to do lists, and other parental torture devices . . . well, you get the picture.  It gets complicated.

Casa Marotta is preparing for a re-launch.  The Artist has completed her gap year and will attend graduate school in the fall.  This is a capable young adult.  She has matured so much since that first launch to college.  It is unlikely that she will only make mature decisions from this point forward but that isn't my job anymore.  It is officially her job.  So while I watch her negotiate apartment contracts, interview roomates, and select her internships for the fall semester I remind myself to hold back until I am invited to share my wisdom.  She needs to direct herself and access support on her own steam.  My tongue has become sore from biting it, and my head spins from trying to avoid overstepping with unwanted questions or remiders, but I know this pain is just part of the letting go. 

Because at the end of my job of parenting, I will still be a mom.  I will always be a mom. And being a mom is pretty darn terrific.

How are you doing with letting go?

Don't freak out: Countdown to Technology Time Out

We are less than seven days away from Screen Free Week 2013. This month I have posted about problems with attention span, communication, obesity, and poor academic performance in our children that is linked to the overuse of technology.  What more can be said?

Don't be afraid.

“Our youth now love luxury. They have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for their elders and love chatter in place of exercise;  they contradict their parents, chatter before company; gobble up their food and tyrannize their teachers.” Do you know who said this?

I hope your "take away" from SFW 2013 is restored balance. Balance for yourself and for your family.  Empower yourself and your family by developing well considered boundaries and limits for technology. Use your time-out wisely.

In my quest to give you good unbiased information I learned a new term "juvenoia." Juvenoia is the fear that young people are changing the mores of society and basically sending our world to heck in a handbasket. I don't believe that.  I am optimistic about children and teenagers. They need our leadership not our fear.

Did you figure out who authored the above quote? 

Socrates (469-399 BC)!

Please consider using next week to reflect on your reliance on technology and examine its role in your family life.  I will not be posting next week to give you (and me) a chance to unplug.

Don't freak out.

Good luck.

Show me some Love (and Logic)

I bought my first Parenting with Love and Logic by Cline and Fay in 1994 when my oldest daughter was five. I am convinced that this book and all of the derivatives that followed it (Parenting Teens with Love and Logic, Teaching with Love and Logic, etc) made me a better parent.  I wholeheartedly recommend it to the parents in my private practice. 

What's so special about Love and Logic? It is a strategic set of skills that empowers parents to equip their child/children for the REAL WORLD.

Think about this: Instead of nagging, punishing, bribing, and yelling our kids into good behavior we develop skills to give kids responsibility and hold them accountable.  We empathize with the pain of a bad decision instead of screaming them into remorsefulness. 

When I drove 12 miles over the speed limit the police officer was extremely calm when he turned on the flashing lights.  I was aware of my speed. (Gulp) I knew I had messed up. The officer told me what I did wrong and smiled when he gave me the ticket.  "Thank you" I said.  

Imagine if the police officer had been a raving lunatic?  What if when he pulled me over he reminded me that I had ignored a sign that clearly posted the speed limit?  What if he asked me "how many times are you going to make this stupid mistake?" or if he had grounded (jailed) me for a week? or charged me extra for crying when he was yelling at me?

I think you get the picture. Sometimes we parents do silly stuff like that.  It isn't loving.  It clearly isn't logical. It also doesn't work.

This happened over 10 years ago.  To this day I always drive the speed limit . . . on that road. "Policing with Love and Logic "had an impact. Since I haven't gotten a ticket since that time it might have generalized to other streets as well.  Love and Logic capitalizes on the concept that when people feel the weight of  bad decision the lesson tends to stick.

A kid example would be when Sunday mornings are "work first- fun second" at home.  Everyone  pitches in to improve the overall living conditions. After working as a family unit, the kiddos are encouraged to finish up their own spaces (room and bathroom).  The Oldest child piddles, plays, and procrastinates.  Everyone else finishes and it's time to go to the park! 

Parent :"I am so sad that you won't be going to the park today."
Kid: "But I worked so hard! It's NOT FAIR!"
Parent: "I feel bad when I don't finish my work and miss out on things too.  Don't worry.  You will get another chance next week.  I'll be hanging out here in the house with you while you finish up. I know you can do it."
Kid: "THEN can I go?"
Parent: "Not this time buddy.  Everyone is in the car ready to go.  It's okay take all the time you need today. You get another chance next week."

The piddler isn't likely to thank the parent for the accountability lesson.  But, isn't it nice that the parent is still on the child's side?

Top 5 Characteristics of a home that uses Love and Logic principals:

1. Parents send CAN DO messages.
2. Children feel good about themselves.
3. Parents feel good about themselves.
4. Children know more about their STRENGTHS than their weaknesses.
5. Real world/logical CONSEQUENCES are the basic discipline tools.

Intrigued?  Check out http://www.loveandlogic.com  for resources, and come back to this blog for periodic installments of Love and Logic "Pearls of Wisdom." Parenting with Love and Logic books and audiotapes are available at bookstores and on Amazon. 

Fun Fact:  I once had the opportunity to meet with author Jim Fay when he came to speak to our community.  He was witty, engaging, and passionate about developing responsible kids. 

Oh.  And he signed my book

Please comment with an example of Love and Logic in YOUR LIFE!

Are morning melt-downs spoiling your mood?

The alarm rings by your bed and it is Monday, the beginning of a new school week.  Your mission is to motivate/encourage another human being into student mode—and you have a deadline.  The next bell is the sound of school starting.  What you do between those two alarms makes a big impact on yout mood in car pool and possibly the rest of the day for both you and your child. 
 
Learning the language of feelings improves the emotional climate of our family.  When our children are little we do not hesitate to label things for them.  People, food, pets, animals at the zoo.  The purpose of this naming game is to help communication; it is a sharing between parent and child.  If our children only have four words (happy, mad, sad, scared) to describe their emotional experience we are limiting the value and range of emotions in our family.

Increased self-awareness on the feelings part of parenting requires you to identify, acknowledge, and manage your own emotions so you can be more effective in teaching those skills to your child. It directions your attention on the how to get ready for school. Reality check -early morning leadership is a stretch for non-morning people, big and small.

Going back to our morning "sprint," what emotions are you and your child managing?  Here is my guess: Tired, reluctant, anxious, and frustrated to name a few.  Notice happy, cheerful, excited isn't included in my list.  It is stressful to think of the gap between how parents want mornings to feel and the likelihood of those emotions occuring spontaneously. Hence the meltdowns. 

When you acknowledge the feelings you and your child are experiencing, each of you can better prepare a strategy for making mornings FEEL better.

As a grown up what soothes you into wakefulness?  Is it lingering over coffee? Watching the news?  Reading a meditation? Take some time to reflect on the mornings where YOU were less likely to melt down.  Put some healthy ritual into your wake up.  It may require waking up earlier and getting ready before you get your kiddo moving.  This will increase the odds that you will be centered in your morning leadership.

How long does it actually take your child to get ready for school, if left to their own devices? Time it on the weekend. Consider extending your morning to decrease the "rush your guts out" experience. If this is an unreasonable amount of time here are some strategies parents have used to assist in time management: 

• Picking out clothes at night.
• Sleeping in their clothes (not kidding, it has been done)
• Storing back pack and shoes by the door.
• Having a list of morning to dos in the bathroom.

To decrease power struggles you may need to develop rules for keeping kids on track.  Successful examples are no television in the morning and stating a specific time of departure (our car leaves at 8:00).  In the early days our family enjoyed music in the mornings, kid's pick.  Tunes kept the pace rolling and provided a sense of time passing.  On our best mornings there was a sing along (it was rare but memorable)!

Do school mornings always have to mean a melt-down? No, but as a parent you will do well to adjust your goal to be more zen and less Mario Andretti.

What strategies are working in your mornings?

"Miss Manners" Guide to Parent Teacher Conferences

Photo by google images and angelameirs.com

Welcome October! Parents and teachers around the nation will soon be scheduling the all important communication about the success of each student into 15 to 20 minute increments.  Often while sitting in very tiny chairs they will  talk about very big topics like academic, social, and emotional development. In this high stress environment it is always good to stick with the basics therefore I have composed a 5 point "Miss Manners" guide to increase the effectiveness of Parent Teacher Conferences:

1. Be Prepared.  Attend the Open House and make notes so you are familiar with the teacher. Have a special folder that you keep on hand to put your child's noteworthy (strength and weakness) papers. Speak to your child about their school experience. Consult with other adults in your child's life (tutor, counselor, sitter) to collect observations about your child in different settings. Reflect on last year's challenges and triumphs.  Gather all of this input and consider the most salient points to share with the teacher. 
2.  Be Punctual.  Remember when you were taught you only have one chance to make a first impression?  Teachers run a tight schedule and punctuality is one way that you will show respect.  Dress appropriately for the meeting and arrive early.  Bring your folder with you so you can review your questions and input before it is your turn. 
3. Be Friendly, Stay Calm.  Smile at the teacher and shake hands.  Have a compliment ready to start the conference on a positive note.  Expect that the teacher will have constructive as well as positive feedback about your child.  Refrain from defensiveness, you are collecting information and have limited time.  Take notes so you can remember the feedback so you can revisit it again in a more neutral setting at your leisure. 
4. Be Open-Minded.  If you or the teacher have identified a problem area, you will need to develop a short term action plan.  Be proactive in asking the teacher what you can do at home to support the issue in the classroom. Breathe! Take suggestions with grace, you will have another opportunity to revisit suggestions in a follow up meeting.  Determine the best way to contact the teacher later to evaluate progress regarding the problem area.
5. Be Grateful. Take the time to write a thank you note.  Teachers appreciate this far more than apple shaped mugs or gift cards.  Summarize the points that were helpful to you in the meeting and express your interest in working together to help your child succeed this year. Share the highlights with your child and communicate a positive message about school and the teacher.

Make the world a better place-Represent your most "mannerly" (emotionally intelligent) self in your teamwork with school.  The teacher AND your child will notice!

The Best Team

Think about your best team experience.  What were the key elements that made the team work?  In my mind I consider the respect of all team members.  With respect there was also a high degree of effective communication, with both positive and negative feedback.  On my best team experience there was also a lot of action in the form of problem solving.  Finally, there was a high degree of accountability with a shared vision of the end result. 

As a "coach" to school teams these are the factors I am looking to practice.  All parents enter the school building with an old gym bag full of memories of their own classroom experiences and the prior year (or years) of strained teacher-student relationships for their child.  It is hard with this baggage to bring your "best self" to the team. We have to practice respect, communication, problem solving, and shared vision before there is a problem at school.

Teachers and parents are experts in different areas of a student's life.  Teachers work with countless children of various strengths and disabilities, and are professionally trained to address a broad spectrum of needs while teaching a specific curriculum over the school year.  Parents watch their child develop over time and have invested years of interaction and wisdom.  Teachers want to teach the student and help him/her learn in the classroom.  Parents want the teacher to teach the student and see them as a unique individual.  Even though these experts are looking at the child from a different point of view, they have a shared vision.

The open house experience, and others like it, are excellent ways to begin communication between parents and teachers early in the school year.  Be prepared with a simple compliment and acknowledgement to set the tone for a respectful relationship. Growing up is a messy process, you need to expect that the school year will have at least one problem to be solved.  Resolving conflict is a terrific way to build the strength of the team between parents and teachers.  It is also terrific modeling for the student to see that adults can behave well under pressure and respond within their best interest. 

Start today to begin the school year with the end in mind.  Be your best self on the school team.  What would you want to say in May was accomplished this year?  Bring this goal to your first parent teacher conference and work to stay accountable to this vision. 

Helpful Homework-- Write it out: "This year I hope my student will . . ."

Beauty boundaries for teen fashion

Has anyone noticed that Halloween costumes seem to be getting (ahem) sluttier?  Our local party stores are determined to offer young girls miniature trashy nurse costumes, dead zombie cheerleaders with skimpy skirts, and sexy cats.  I guess it shouldn't come as a shock given that clothing lines for teenage girls have deteriorated.  The message of feminine fashion is that skinny is in, and less (much less) is more. I'd like to share some "modesty rules" for girls I learned at a recent workshop, hopefully they will help you in your next mall trip with your daughters.
Last weekend our church coordinated a fashion show with featured speaker Leah Darrow, of America's Next Top Model fame.  Her presentation was directed toward eighth and ninth grade girls and their mothers.  Darrow was energetic, passionate, and inspiring as she informed girls that what they wear matters.  She described the model lifestyle of wearing what others chose for her and trying not to think about it. Darrow shared about being led further and further away from her upbringing and moral compass in order to please people who didn't really care about her.  When she had the Epiphany that her lifestyle was destructive to her self esteem, Darrow walked off a photo shoot because she couldn't stop crying.  Who do you think she called?

Her parents. No one else in the high fashion, glitzy, glamorous life she was leading would have answered the phone. Darrow was a credible account of the difference between peer feedback and parental feedback.  The girls were listening when she then offered a no nonsense approach to clothing selection.  She uses four fingers down from her collar bone to evaluate necklines, and four fingers up to define a limit for shortness on skirts, dresses, and shorts.  She encouraged the girls to look in a full length mirror to make certain that heels have not hiked up their hemline and to add a final touch the impression of beauty they are wanting to portray.

The fashion show supported her message completely.  The high school models, all shapes and sizes, demonstrated the modesty rules using clothing from a variety of local stores.  None of the models looked "matronly," all were age appropriate and adorable.  The evidence was clear: Clothing does not have to be a "costume."

Fashion in 2011 is being led by marketing, fueled by peer pressure, and funded by parents. Parents and teens do not have to lower their standards to dress cute in today's culture.  It might take awhile longer to shop, but helping your teen identify a style that flatters them and sends a positive message about self esteem is worth it.  Remember to resist buying anything that makes either of you uncomfortable  or you will be inviting a power struggle every morning. 

You (and your daughters) have the power to influence our fashion culture one purchase at a time. 

Training for the "185 K"

Nobody wakes up one morning after months of inactivity and decides to run in a marathon. Yet herds of parents and children are expecting to just "show up" on the first day of school like an ill advised athlete.  As the commercial replays "its the most wonderful time of the year" I am encouraging my clients to take some time to reflect, plan, and celebrate the transition. As a trained athelete will tell you, it is the mental as well as the physical training that completes the race.

7 Training Tips:

1. Big Picture Analysis:  As the parental "coach" it is a good start to bring out last school year's calendar. Refresh your memory about the pluses and minuses of the family schedule from your perspective.  If you are hoping for more balance this year (who isn't?) pay particular attention to the flow of activities. What parental decisions need to be made? 

2. Develop your strategy:  Gather the group together over chips and salsa/queso to review what worked and what didn't in 2010-2011.  What were mornings like?  How about use of afterschool time?  This is the opportunity to evaluate matters such as scheduling bedtimes, homework, quality time, play dates.

3. Attitude Adjustment:  Watch your language!  Support the value of education with positive, encouraging words. Don't express sarcasm when talking about back to school unless you want your children to be cynical about the process.  Correct negative attitudes from your children when you hear them.  Everyone needs to remember that it is a "clean slate" at the beginning of the year, start with the right frame of mind.

4.Set Expectations:  Research tells us that writing goals is an important step to achieving them.  Many children need help breaking the big goals (getting A's) into smaller steps (Study 30 minutes every night, ask for help when I get stuck, organize my notes). 

5. Shop Wisely:  A dedicated athlete has solid shoes.  Help your child select supplies that will assist them in reaching their goals of organization.  Don't skip this step even if your school purchases supplies for you as a fundraiser, kids still need the tactile experience of new stuff to gear up for the marathon of school. Buy some pencils, spare notebooks, glue, and other materials for their homework space.  P.S. It doesn't hurt to have a new shirt to wear on the first day-most of us feel a lift when we can cut tags and get dressed! How about sparkley shoes to spice up the school uniform?

6.Start Training ASAP:  Take all the data you collected in the mental preparation of steps 1-5 and then "walk the walk."  Initiate earlier bedtime and wake up while still allowing for summer fun.  If your kids have taken a break from reading, make story time aloud or quiet reading their pre-school homework.  Do a dry run (or two) to school to play on the playground or travel the halls to see teachers before the first day.  These short sprints go a long way to ease first day jitters and separation anxiety (for all of you!).

7. Celebrate!:  Families have shared their back to school traditions with me over the years. If you already have a back to school tradition then keep doing it- no matter how old your children are!  If not,  Find one that resonates and stick with it. Here are some of my favorite ideas from clients:

• Pancakes and scrambled eggs (day one, not EVERY day!)
• Photo at the front door (bus stop,school,etc)
• Make a video of "What's in your backpack?"
• Breakfast picnic in the car.

How do you prepare for Back 2 School?

The Power of Family

 Parenting and growing up is a messy business, is being part of a family worth it?

I can remember mornings when I struggled to find clothes that were reasonably clean of spit up.  Sleep walking through weeks without uninterrupted rest. Potty training, enough said. In later years it was the hassle over homework and limit setting that frazzled my nerves.  Hours spent sitting in music lessons and then at home supervising squeaking instruments and squawking protests about practice.  Clutching the side door handle to log driving time before they got their license. Volunteering to attend board (boring) meetings to pitch in and make school a more encouraging place. I admit to frequent “laundry runs” to pass through the living room chaperoning snuggling teens on the couch so they wouldn’t get too comfortable.  Parenting, leadership, is not always fun.

Following is no picnic either.  My children also had to sacrifice in their growing up years.  Who really wanted to wear matching shirts on family trips so we could all stay together?   I am sure it feels awful to have to eat brussel sprouts and other suspiciously green food when what you really want is dessert.  Potty training, enough said.  Having to go to bed when there is more fun going on in the house.  The agony of being forced to study for something that “doesn’t have anything to do with real life.” Stress over hearing your parents argue and worrying that they will get divorced.  Being the last kid to have a cell phone, a Face book account, designer jeans . . . at least that’s what they told me. 

For our family there were so many times that patience, self-control, and delayed gratification were required to tame the beast in us  that wanted to lash out, run away, or give up. It is the power of family that makes it all possible.   

Regardless of the shape, size, or configuration of your family I hope you think it is all worth it. I do.   

Watch this video to see a very unusual portrait of the power of family:

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Tornado Shelter Parenting

With all eyes on Japan, watching families standing in lines and sorting through the remains of their cities,  I am reminded of the small scale crisis our family faced when we first moved to Oklahoma.  It never occured to us that a family camping trip to Kansas during tornado season would be ill fated.  It seemed like a great idea at the time . . . but with two kids and a minivan full of stuff we found ourselves shortening the trip to head for shelter under an eery green sky.  In a little no name town we followed the siren sounds and signs to a small Baptist church. 
Weather in this region brings interesting collections of people together.  Jim Fay, of Parenting with Love and Logic fame, has described three basic parenting styles.  And sure enough they were represented in the Tornado Shelter. Families (and some pets) of all types, shapes, and styles of parenting.  To our left were the Drill Sargents- scrunched together underneath a table with mom holding a portable radio to her ear shouting out the path of the tornado.  Her children wide eyed and attentive.  To our right were the Helicopters- the parent narrating a story that never included the tornado "This is so much fun, look at all the cute doggies, oh and that cat looks pretty wet, isn't that silly?" The children were understandably confused.  The fear did bring out alot of prosocial behavior, with some helping others to find a place on the floor or sharing a coat while we all waited.  In our case, the disaster was averted, the siren ended, an all clear shouted from underneath the table and we dispersed, strangers again climbing back into our vehicles.

Soothing our children's fears exposes our own attitudes toward stress.  Somewhere in between the Drill sargents and the Helicopters is an intentional response that balances reality with cool headed coping that would be the Consultants in the group.  The parents who gave calm updates with reassurances and encouragement to their families.  They were comforting to us, serving as anonymous mentors that have my gratitude to this day.

I find my thoughts circling back to the current crisis in Japan.  All of those families doing the best they can to keep their children safe and manage themselves. 

What is your response to the Tsunami in Japan?  Have you faced fear together as a family?

Take a (spring) break and make memories

Staying home for Spring Break doesn’t have to be a bummer. The stories that children tell me about their mini vacation from school rarely have to do with where they’ve spent their time- it is all about how they’ve spent their time. Busy schedules, working parents, and homework make all ages hungry for a little down time.  With some planning and an eye for fun, you can create magic without Disney.

1.       Pajama Day.  Just like it sounds.  Stay in pajamas all day without having to be sick.

2.       Read—a –thon, Movie—a –thon, Videogame—a –thon.  Any repeatable fun activity.

3.       Day Trips. Pack a lunch and jump in the minivan and go.  To the park, zoo, museum, . . .

4.       Indoor Camp out.  Set up a tent in the living room, grill dinner and s’mores on the BBQ, and add friends and maybe some flash lights.

5.       Make something, bake something, and try something new.  The point is for everyone to be a beginner together.

Ordinary activities can be elevated to extraordinary when you add creativity to the extra time of Spring Break.   What about cleaning the house with loud music (oldies or musicals)?  How about homework in the backyard or in the park?  Taking the dog for a walk in a different neighborhood? 

So what if you have some ideas for fun quality time with your children and one or all of them misbehave?  Teach them a valuable lesson in forgiveness and mercy.  Being grounded for Spring Break is miserable for everyone.  Save the longer consequences for the rest of the semester!

When I asked my young adult daughters what they remember from previous spring breaks, they reminded me of our “tradition” of shopping for new flip flops. The idea of kicking off our boots with visions of bare feet in our future was a celebration.  Now that they are older I am thinking of throwing in a pedicure.

·         How will you make memories this Spring Break?

·         What are some highlights from past school vacations?