Mindfulness: Internal Weather Report

Suki sitting still like a frog
 in her Halloween Costume

There is a saying in Oklahoma: "If you don't like the weather- wait five minutes." Today there is a crisp cold in the air, earlier this week we were all in short sleeves.

Moods are a bit like the Oklahoma weather, changing and temporary.  Children who learn to identify and accept their moods have good resilience.  They understand that a bad day doesn't mean a bad life . . . mindfulness has many implications for all ages.

Thank you for spending October with me exploring Mindfulness. In my research I came across a wonderful book on mindfulness with children: Sitting Still Like a Frog by Eline Snel.

Eline Snel  developed some easy (and fun!) exercises to introduce mindfulness concepts.  One of my favorites to use with children is Your Personal Weather Report.  A child draws their "internal weather" early in the day and then checks back later to see if the weather is the same or different. The author also tackles life skills such as practiced attention, understanding limits, letting go of thoughts and worries, and kindness.  The activities are appropriate for the smallest to the tallest in your family- that means you too!

Generosity is a Gift

Part of a child’s growing self-awareness is the instinct to stake a claim on what is “mine.” This is why “mine” is a common refrain for typical toddlers (my toy, my cup) and teenagers (my room, my cell phone).  Advertisements for the latest, greatest, shiniest objects are eye-level for these suggestible consumers- which can give most kids the gimmies. If your child is different- celebrate that!   For the rest of us the job of cultivating generosity rests on our shoulders. 

If you wish to focus on generosity this holiday, don't be discouraged by developmental self-centeredness. Get clarity as a parent about how you want to teach generosity. What opportunities resonate for you- is it generosity of time, abundance, or finances?  Is it a particular cause that has impacted your family in some way?  Is it an awareness of a need in your neighborhood or community?  Being intentional in how you express generosity with your children will produce the greatest long term impact. Prepare them for the generous mindset through your announcement of a special project this year.

Less effective:

“You guys have NO IDEA how fortunate you are.  You are spoiled and selfish, you need to shape up and give away some of this junk that you don’t appreciate.”

More effective:

“Mrs. Smith is grieving the loss of her husband this holiday.  I bet she is feeling lonely and overwhelmed.  What can we do to show her that we care?”

One year we decided to try volunteering at the Edmond Community Thanksgiving Dinner when our daughters were 4 and 8.  We thought it would be a special way to be generous with our time before we sat down to our own family Thanksgiving feast.  A frantic hostess greeted us with the news  “guests are coming to eat in twenty minutes and we can’t find the cranberry sauce!” Cans of donated cranberry sauce were missing somewhere in the building and she asked for volunteers to do a search and rescue. FYI: Four year olds are great at hide and seek!  Our daughter’s first volunteer experience was manning the can opener so that cases of cranberry sauce could fulfill their Thanksgiving Destiny. That was sixteen years ago, and we haven’t missed a Community Dinner yet.  Our daughters have recruited friends, and boyfriends to be generous with their time on Thanksgiving.  Sometimes the gift of generosity becomes a tradition!

 Other ideas:

• ·         One family makes cards for the residents of a senior center in memory of their grandma who once lived there.
• ·         An athletic family collected used bicycles to donate to people affected by weather disasters.
• ·         This year there is a drive to help families who lost their homes in the Moore Tornado with Christmas preparations. (This one is time sensitive- so please check the link now if you want to be involved)

How are you planning to give the gift of generosity with your family?

Capturing your Teen's Attention

Have you ever seen a commercial that begins with the phrase
"How many times have I asked you to . . . "


Parents of teenagers can learn a lot from TV commercials.  Commercials are simple sound bytes.  In a brief interruption they manage to be visually interesting, appeal to the audience, and typically leave the consumer feeling good and desiring the product.  With some practice and strategy, parents can convey information in this way as well.
How do they do it? Advertising gurus study their target audience: Although each person is unique, as a group what do teenagers want?  Freedom, friends, social connection, relaxation, stuff, money, etc.  If left to their own devices, what do teenagers do?  Sleep, text, watch TV, technology, eat, hang out with friends, etc.  What gets their POSITIVE attention? Humor, quirkiness, connection, fun. 

So if the average teenager is motivated by sleep, fun, and relaxation, and the average parent is motivated by responsibility, deadlines, and money- isn't it obvious why we have trouble communicating? 

Commercial                  versus                   Parent 

30 seconds long              v.                          Lecture format
Actor/actress                   v.                         Weary parent face
Humor                             v.                         Irritation
Catchy Jingle                   v.                         Broken Record
Encouraging                    v.                         Nagging


We are a sad contrast to the snappy, peppy commercials that captivate our teenagers attention.  Commercials are typically fun.  Fun sells.  I am not suggesting that you need to be fun all of the time, but there is a magic ratio of connecting: directing that will work more effectively with your emerging young adult.  You need to find the formula FAST. 

The reason why teens are more responsive to cleaning their room before you take them to the mall to hang out with their friends is because they are motivated by the fun awaiting them.  Not the clean room.  Get it?

Consider this: Write a list of all of the things you want your teenager to do. DO NOT GIVE THEM THE LIST.  As you are interacting with your young person, smile, and ask "What are your plans for the day?" Listen with a happy heart."Will you have time to do x(0ne thing on list)?" Listen.   "That's great!" or "Darn, I could use your help."Beef up your connection and try again.

Organize some teen directed fun to try out your sound bytes, or work it in after a sweaty family yard day when you are sipping lemonade and complimenting them on how awesome they already are. 

Want to get them to take out the trash, fill out their college applications, and clean out the garage?  Think like a TV commercial.  Understand their needs/wants, connect, be fun, and choose your words carefully.

COMFORT: Re-posting from 2013 Tornado

h/t Oklahoma Contemporary Arts

This post was from last year (5/28/13), reflecting  on the May 20th tornado that impacted Oklahoma and the Nation as well. I am comforted by the recent tributes to the ordinary heroes and the recovery and resilience of our communities.  The Contemporary Arts Center in Oklahoma is hosting "Not just another day in May" through the end of this month at Leadership Square in OKC.   
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On May 20, 2013  I was at work in a parent conference with a new family. We didn't hear the sirens but the dark green sky and hail spurred us into action. We waited and made small talk as we listened to the radio in our safe place (the women’s room).  In Oklahoma we get very specific information about tornadoes, and we were informed that one had touched down about 20 miles away.

Later that evening in our own homes we watched the Godzilla like tornado that devastated Moore and surrounding towns.   In gratitude for our own safety, we all held our breath waiting for news of survivors, and lives lost. 

It will take years to rebuild the structure of towns like Moore, and Shawnee Oklahoma.  

But the community building began immediately.  That is resilience in action.

By May 21^st there were local disaster relief sites organized by scouts, schools, churches, and realtors each finding a spot on the sidewalk to collect water and Gatorade.  People were walking around Wal-Mart and Loews with supply lists.  In the most affected areas neighbors were helping neighbors clean debris and look for pets, photos, and Bibles.   Social media connected us to distant communities who have been through disasters, reaching out because they understand, they have been there too.

When tornadoes, hurricanes, or terrorists strike, we have a choice.  We can get cynical and depressed, or we can bounce back. The best plan for recovery is to look for the helpers, the heroes, the miracles.  Seek opportunities to be helpful, and build resilience. 

Find your safe place. Help your neighbor. Support your community.

Tornado Recovery Links

As Oklahomans we are all coping with the recent tornado that impacted many of our neighbors.
The recovery effort will take a long time and everyone is encouraged to find a way to help. 

Here are some links to help you to help others:

If you are wanting information about how to help your child with fears from the tornado or know someone who would benefit from this information please direct them to MetroFamily Magazine website. I have written an article with practical advice on the topic.

If you are looking for a way to respond to the recovery effort please check out Oklahoma Women Bloggers they have listed many different (and legitimate) ways to help.

During this time of recovery be encouraged to: Get information, seek support, help where you can,
and stay safe.

Finding the Silver Lining

Mom, Chris, me, & Kate

"Every cloud has a silver lining." Loving someone with mental illness is unpredictable, stressful, scary at times, . . .  and also  wonderful. 

There is mental illness in my family (quite a bit in fact if you look closely).  My brother Chris turned 40 this year and he has been managing Bipolar Disorder for 22 years, and its symptoms for much longer.  I am so proud of Chris, but it wasn't always easy being his sister.

For years my parents took Chris from doctor to doctor to control his "hyperactivity" and "mood swings" and "imagination." Something was different, maybe wrong with him.  His symptoms added stress to our family.  He was Chris, I thought, what more did they need to know?

Once when I was 16 my new friend spent the night at my house after a late evening.  Chris (5 years old) had never met her before and did not know we had an overnight guest.  In the morning she came downstairs in her black pajamas with her long brown hair frizzed out from hairspray and sleep. Chris rushed to the sink and filled a glass of water and threw it on her.  He thought she was the wicked witch from Oz.  It's funny now.

I remember setting my alarm to watch the Smurfs cartoon on Saturday mornings in the dorm lobby when I went out of state to college.  It helped us both with separation anxiety.  We loved doing that together even when we were apart.

Then the phone call when he was hospitalized for the first time.  The supervised visits to a locked unit, with doctors I didn't always trust and medication with horrific side effects.

Sometimes life is like a dark cloud that bocks out the sun, but if you look very closely you will see a ray of sunshine on the outer edge of the cloud. It is the silver lining. It represents the hope that there will be better days ahead. 

The silver lining in loving my brother and living with mental illness in the family is it formed me into a compassionate and nonjudgmental person.  These qualities clearly help me in my role as a psychologist, but they have also been handy in my roles as daughter, wife, mother, citizen, and friend.  I have also met some incredible people that have helped me and my brother journey together.  People like Bonnie Dunn at Transition House in Norman, and Gail Isreal with NAMI Oklahoma. 

Have you watched the movie Silver Linings?  I watched it Friday night at the urging of my daughters.  I loved it- it made me laugh, and cry (always a good thing for me in a movie) added bonus -the psychiatrist is helpful and not very nutty.

 

Do you have a silver lining in loving someone with mental illness?  Please share! 

Walk The Walk

Nearly 60 million Americans have a diagnosable mental illness.  That is one in four adults and one in ten children, who are in need of counseling and or medication and stabilization.  Even in this informational age those numbers are hard for people to accept, and even harder to understand.

Communities are quick to reach out to families impacted by tragedy with offers of support, compassion, and kindness.  But what is the community response to the isolated teenager? Or the homeless guy who talks to himself? The typical response is to look away, and often to walk away.

Let's walk together instead. 

Mental illness can be treated. Families can receive support.  Communities can help.

 

The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) is our nation's largest grassroots organization dedicated to education, advocacy, and support for the mentally ill. Local NAMI affiliates "talk the talk"  through educational groups, advocacy, and family to family support.  If you go to one of these meetings, even once, it will change your perspective about mental illness.  There is hope, recovery, and true quality of life for families dealing with mental illness on a daily basis.  Find a meeting, you will be glad you did.

 

NAMI also helps communities "walk the walk." 2013 is the 11th anniversary of NAMIWalks which is a nationwide fundraising and awareness event. Last year NAMIWALKS raised almost $10 million to support local programs to improve the lives of persons impacted by mental illness. 

 

Take the first step today to reach out to the millions of families effected by mental illness.  Come join the walk!

 

We walk to celebrate recovery, raise awareness, memorialize loved ones, and fight the stigma of mental illness. I hope to see you there (Suki is coming too)!

 

NamiWalk 5K OKC: Saturday May 18, 2013

Stars and Stripes Park

3701 South Lake Hefner Drive

Registration: 8:00 am

 

Wating Room Wi-Fi



google images

Waiting rooms are an interesting microcosm of the world.  Last week when I was checking for my next appointment I noticed that everyone was using technology. Everyone.  There are 10 counselors in our office and every single person in the waiting room was “plugged in” to a hand held screen.  Since studying behavior is kind of my thing, I started tracking.  My week long research startled me.  The readers of magazines/books, and the players of blocks/puzzles are now in the minority.  The shift in technology has officially hit our office in a BIG way. 

 

I like technology, obviously.  Our office has a website.  I call, text, email, blog, research, Facebook, and have Pinterest boards for inspirational quotes and (mostly) healthy recipes.  Our office has a website.  But I am wondering about the cost of screen time to each of us, and to our families.  So I did some more research. Yes, it was online. 

The American Psychology Association website search indicates that when the amount of screen time goes up: attention, sleep, physical activity, social interaction, and grades go down.  Although video games have been linked to improved reaction time in children, and improved surgical skills in surgeons, there is compelling evidence that increased aggression and obesity are also associated with increased video and television usage. 

Adult cell phone use is steadily increasing.  Most of us grownups (72%) use our cell phones for texting, but we tend to use our phones for voice conversations more than texting.  Teens exceed our texting on a 5:1 ratio according to the Pew Internet Research Center.  Younger cell phone users are averaging one and a half hours of texting per day, and one half hour using their cell phones to make voice calls.  This data does not include the use of cell phones for Internet surfing or account for the multi-tasking media use which is commonplace among teens.  It is not unusual, for example, to see teens huddled on the couch watching a movie, playing a game on their individual cell phones, and texting other people.

The last week of April (April 28-May 4) has been designated Screen Free Week by the Campaign for a Commercial Free Childhood.  It may be radical, but I am going to introduce the idea to my family, my clients, and the office waiting room.  Technology may have its place, but it is not meant to replace peaceful silence, reflection, talking, listening . . .

Will you take the challenge? 

I promise to post ideas and inspiration to lighten up your screen use!

Show me some Love (and Logic)

I bought my first Parenting with Love and Logic by Cline and Fay in 1994 when my oldest daughter was five. I am convinced that this book and all of the derivatives that followed it (Parenting Teens with Love and Logic, Teaching with Love and Logic, etc) made me a better parent.  I wholeheartedly recommend it to the parents in my private practice. 

What's so special about Love and Logic? It is a strategic set of skills that empowers parents to equip their child/children for the REAL WORLD.

Think about this: Instead of nagging, punishing, bribing, and yelling our kids into good behavior we develop skills to give kids responsibility and hold them accountable.  We empathize with the pain of a bad decision instead of screaming them into remorsefulness. 

When I drove 12 miles over the speed limit the police officer was extremely calm when he turned on the flashing lights.  I was aware of my speed. (Gulp) I knew I had messed up. The officer told me what I did wrong and smiled when he gave me the ticket.  "Thank you" I said.  

Imagine if the police officer had been a raving lunatic?  What if when he pulled me over he reminded me that I had ignored a sign that clearly posted the speed limit?  What if he asked me "how many times are you going to make this stupid mistake?" or if he had grounded (jailed) me for a week? or charged me extra for crying when he was yelling at me?

I think you get the picture. Sometimes we parents do silly stuff like that.  It isn't loving.  It clearly isn't logical. It also doesn't work.

This happened over 10 years ago.  To this day I always drive the speed limit . . . on that road. "Policing with Love and Logic "had an impact. Since I haven't gotten a ticket since that time it might have generalized to other streets as well.  Love and Logic capitalizes on the concept that when people feel the weight of  bad decision the lesson tends to stick.

A kid example would be when Sunday mornings are "work first- fun second" at home.  Everyone  pitches in to improve the overall living conditions. After working as a family unit, the kiddos are encouraged to finish up their own spaces (room and bathroom).  The Oldest child piddles, plays, and procrastinates.  Everyone else finishes and it's time to go to the park! 

Parent :"I am so sad that you won't be going to the park today."
Kid: "But I worked so hard! It's NOT FAIR!"
Parent: "I feel bad when I don't finish my work and miss out on things too.  Don't worry.  You will get another chance next week.  I'll be hanging out here in the house with you while you finish up. I know you can do it."
Kid: "THEN can I go?"
Parent: "Not this time buddy.  Everyone is in the car ready to go.  It's okay take all the time you need today. You get another chance next week."

The piddler isn't likely to thank the parent for the accountability lesson.  But, isn't it nice that the parent is still on the child's side?

Top 5 Characteristics of a home that uses Love and Logic principals:

1. Parents send CAN DO messages.
2. Children feel good about themselves.
3. Parents feel good about themselves.
4. Children know more about their STRENGTHS than their weaknesses.
5. Real world/logical CONSEQUENCES are the basic discipline tools.

Intrigued?  Check out http://www.loveandlogic.com  for resources, and come back to this blog for periodic installments of Love and Logic "Pearls of Wisdom." Parenting with Love and Logic books and audiotapes are available at bookstores and on Amazon. 

Fun Fact:  I once had the opportunity to meet with author Jim Fay when he came to speak to our community.  He was witty, engaging, and passionate about developing responsible kids. 

Oh.  And he signed my book

Please comment with an example of Love and Logic in YOUR LIFE!