Mindfulness Monday: The Power of Words

Laura Ingalls, The Cat, & Pinkalicious
Women Readers and Writers OWFI 2014

"One kind word can change someone's whole day." 

YOU have the power to influence others in a positive way with your words. Consider the value of words to a writer, a reader, a friend, a child, a parent.

Be selective with this superpower.



I will choose kind words this week.

Mindfulness Mondays: Celebrate Healthy Relationships

"Sisters in Spirit" Conference 2015
My Spirit Sister Mary Jane Metzinger

Today is the beginning of National Healthy Relationships week sponsored by the  Alpha Chi Omega sorority. Their philanthropy raises awareness to prevent domestic violence.  

Be mindful of the verbal and nonverbal ways you connect in your relationships.

• Give your "sister" a hug 
• Compliment your significant other
• Dedicate time to nurture a friendship

I can be intentional in celebrating the healthy relationships in my life.

Connections: Marital Math

Every long term married couple has a story of how they first met:

 This post is a celebration of long term relationships, concluding our month long tribute to connections.  With the divorce rate holding steady at 50% for first time marriages, and 60% for second marriages- we need to focus on what happily married couples do right. The math formula for marriages that survive and thrive = 3 bonders + 1 attitude.

The Bonders:

 Chemistry:  Beyond the zing of first love, long term couples continue to stoke the flames of attraction by prioritizing the relationship. To keep that loving feeling, consider the investment of continued courtship through dates and regular communication.

Comparability: A good working partnership is valuable in facing the many discouragements and stresses of long term marriage.  Happy couples tend to have compatible (although not identical) temperaments, personality, energy levels, humor, and work ethic.  Differences are viewed with acceptance and respect.

Complimentarity:  In a successful marriage each member of the couple still strives to be at their best for the other.  This desire to rise above temporary circumstances to stay engaged in the relationship increases the odds that you can grow closer as a couple rather than further apart over time.  It’s not because you HAVE to, but instead because you WANT to be your best for your partner, and you CHOOSE to bring out the best in your partner.  

The Attitude of Gratitude:

Positivity:  Marriage Researcher John Gottman has studied thousands of hours of communication among married couples (wow) and has identified the formula for happy couples.  More math! The ratio of positive to negative feelings and interactions is 5:1. For every negative instance within the relationship there are five positives to restore a healthy balance. This creates a culture of forgiveness and appreciation that eases the stress of external forces on a marriage.

• If you are in a dating relationship- consider how well you know your couple strengths on this "report card" of skills to cultivate for the long run. 
• If you are in a marriage that is struggling- look to where YOU can make a change that will make a difference.  
• If you are in a happy long term marriage- Celebrate! Be intentional in your marital math to get the most of this special relationship.

Long term marrieds have many chapters in their love story, choosing each other again and again throughout the course of the relationship. Let’s rejoice when it all adds up to happily ever after!

Connection: Let's talk about Healthy Relationships!

h/t Pinterest 2014

How do you talk to your teen or young adult about dating and relationships?  John Van Epp, Ph.D. has some helpful ideas.  He is a counseling psychologist who couldn't help but notice that when his clients were satisfied in a relationship they spoke positively about their boyfriend/girlfriend.  But . . . after a break up that same special someone was described as a “jerk” and all of the negative things that were happening within the relationship were revealed.  Those revelations in therapy lead Van Epp on a quest through the research on attachment, marital satisfaction, and relationships.  The result was his book (although I am not a big fan of the title): How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk, (2008).

Unfortunately, I didn't find this book until after my daughters were launched from home.  Fortunately, I had finished reading it when the Alpha Chi Omega Sorority asked me to speak at their chapter meeting about healthy relationships.  AND one of my daughters was in the audience (score!).

According to the research there are five key factors in all relationships:

Knowing:   A combination of time, talk, and togetherness helps you to know a person.

Trusting: You should be able to see patterns of behavior that gives you a “safe” feeling that this person is honest and worthy of your trust. 

Reliance:  When a person enters a new relationship they should enter as an independent person, capable of taking care of their own needs. 

Commitment:  How invested you are in making the relationship work, your long term vision of the connection.

Touching:  Choices of physical closeness and intimacy.

Healthy relationship habits are created by deliberately PACING and SEQUENCING these factors.   It is important in forming a new relationship that you notice how a person treats others, if he/she is consistent in character in a variety of settings, and under a variety of different conditions (like how does he react when the waiter brings him the wrong food?).  This time investment helps you see if there is a match between what the person SAYS and what the person DOES, which builds trust.  Overtime with knowing and trusting a person, you can feel comfortable relying on them sometimes for help.  As you are including this person in your life you can assess the mutual development of commitment, which then makes you feel safer in the level of physical intimacy in the relationship. 

Makes total sense doesn't it?  It is basically a guide to using your whole brain (thoughts and feelings) in building a relationship.

This past Sunday the Alpha Chi Omega girls were huddled together taking notes and making connections about past relationships- many shared very openly about “deal breakers” that followed the model.  I don’t presume that your young person will take notes when you talk to them about how to pace a relationship, but maybe they would read this and be open for conversation?  Just a thought- Good luck!

Mindfulness Mondays: Express Gratitude

Me & Sweetness Celebrating our 20th in Disney World 2005

Let's use the momentum of Valentines Day to boost our attention to our relationships- 

Keep the focus, be kind, share, and celebrate with the people that you love. 

This weeks Affirmation: 

I WILL EXPRESS MY GRATITUDE THROUGH WORDS AND ACTIONS.

Connection: The Empathy Superpower

The Art of Listening May 2013

In our hero’s quest to improve our relationships the greatest superpower we have is empathy.  Empathy is the ability to connect to the emotions of another person, and it involves good old fashioned listening.  Moving too fast, searching for a witty comeback, and looking for loop holes will distract us from empathic listening.  We must slow down, lean in, and listen with our whole heart.  This stillness sets the stage for improved understanding- there is no short cut.

If we focus on “understanding how we understand” we can enhance our superpower in our most precious relationships. Practice really does make a difference. Grab your cape for this hero's quest, it may get uncomfortable. 

Daniel Goleman, our emotional intelligence yogi, has identified 3 distinct forms of empathy:  

Cognitive:  This is a mind to mind connection.  When you tune into this element of empathy you are listening very carefully to how I perceive a problem in my life so you can understand my thinking. This may be hard because you may have a different viewpoint, but you actively put that aside to listen very carefully to my words, implied values, and the formation of my world view. You set the intention to respect our philosophical difference.  People who have worked to enhance this skill spend time listening and clarifying ("Is this what you mean- do I have this right?") in their communications in an effort to understand. Cognitive empathy is a discipline of thought, with the emotional regulation of suspending any impulse to correct, influence, or defend. 

Emotional: The feeling to feeling connection. When you are connecting with my feelings you are accepting and experiencing them with me.  This can be painful because I might share feelings that are intense and if you care about me you will want me to feel better (and if I am  mad you- you might want to get mad back).  Emotional empathy is not about finding the solution; it is the full acceptance and “leaning into” the feelings of the other person.  People who have advanced abilities in emotional empathy spend time listening, observing nonverbal cues, and reflecting feelings back ("You are exhausted, angry, and resentful") to fine-tune their understanding.  Emotional empathy is the discipline of serving as a conduit of another person’s feelings without judgment, or resistance.

Compassionate: This is the call to action connection.  When you are sensitized to my struggle and you choose to respond in a way that meets my need.  Sometimes the action is subtle- you see that I am hungry and you offer me half of your sandwich.  Other times the action is complicated- you watch the news and notice there has been a disaster and people are without supplies, so you go to the store and bring water.  Compassionate empathy is engaging emotionally in another person’s experience, even though that requires extra effort, or inconvenience. 

When we are using our superpower of empathy- we are taking a relational risk that may lead us to think, feel, or act differently than we would if we were detached.  When we get really courageous we can try out all three forms at once.  Here we go getting vulnerable again! It will transform our relationships if we let it. Will you take the risk?

"Motivation aside, if people get better at these life skills, everyone benefits: The brain doesn't distinguish between being a more empathic manager and a more empathic father." Daniel Goleman

Mindfulness Mondays: Sharing Love

An affirmation is a positive statement that guides our thinking and emotional mindset.  Psychologists use affirmations to assist people who are struggling with low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, and negative habits.

Start the positive habit of weekly affirmations!

I CAN SHARE MY LOVE WITH OTHERS, NO HOLDING BACK.

Capturing your Teen's Attention

Have you ever seen a commercial that begins with the phrase
"How many times have I asked you to . . . "


Parents of teenagers can learn a lot from TV commercials.  Commercials are simple sound bytes.  In a brief interruption they manage to be visually interesting, appeal to the audience, and typically leave the consumer feeling good and desiring the product.  With some practice and strategy, parents can convey information in this way as well.
How do they do it? Advertising gurus study their target audience: Although each person is unique, as a group what do teenagers want?  Freedom, friends, social connection, relaxation, stuff, money, etc.  If left to their own devices, what do teenagers do?  Sleep, text, watch TV, technology, eat, hang out with friends, etc.  What gets their POSITIVE attention? Humor, quirkiness, connection, fun. 

So if the average teenager is motivated by sleep, fun, and relaxation, and the average parent is motivated by responsibility, deadlines, and money- isn't it obvious why we have trouble communicating? 

Commercial                  versus                   Parent 

30 seconds long              v.                          Lecture format
Actor/actress                   v.                         Weary parent face
Humor                             v.                         Irritation
Catchy Jingle                   v.                         Broken Record
Encouraging                    v.                         Nagging


We are a sad contrast to the snappy, peppy commercials that captivate our teenagers attention.  Commercials are typically fun.  Fun sells.  I am not suggesting that you need to be fun all of the time, but there is a magic ratio of connecting: directing that will work more effectively with your emerging young adult.  You need to find the formula FAST. 

The reason why teens are more responsive to cleaning their room before you take them to the mall to hang out with their friends is because they are motivated by the fun awaiting them.  Not the clean room.  Get it?

Consider this: Write a list of all of the things you want your teenager to do. DO NOT GIVE THEM THE LIST.  As you are interacting with your young person, smile, and ask "What are your plans for the day?" Listen with a happy heart."Will you have time to do x(0ne thing on list)?" Listen.   "That's great!" or "Darn, I could use your help."Beef up your connection and try again.

Organize some teen directed fun to try out your sound bytes, or work it in after a sweaty family yard day when you are sipping lemonade and complimenting them on how awesome they already are. 

Want to get them to take out the trash, fill out their college applications, and clean out the garage?  Think like a TV commercial.  Understand their needs/wants, connect, be fun, and choose your words carefully.

Attunement with your Teenager

Suki Marotta, TDI certified

We could all learn some new tricks from an old dog. Suki is not only my pet, she is my co-therapist on Wednesday afternoons. The teenagers in my practice love the fur off of her. Suki's secret to connecting with teens? She is a master at attunement.

What is attunement? Attunement is a deep form of empathy. It begins with observing the nonverbal clues of another's emotional state and progresses to matching their internal experience. Attunement is an internal and external emotional connection that creates a reciprocal emotional experience between two beings. You become "in synch."

Attunement comes easily to most parents with infants. The baby cries and scrunches up its little face, and the parent listens to the pitch and intensity of the cry- and then either leans in closer to connect or puts the child down to match the emotional need.. As exhausting as babies can be this natural process of connection by attending and emotional matching gets more and more complicated once the child becomes less dependent.

 When a teenager is in my office, Suki pads out of her crate with her head bowed and tail wagging. She doesn't make eye contact right away. She lets the teenager warm up to her first. Then she blasts them with a full dose of intense eye contact and closeness. She leans her head on their lap. She assesses their mood and responds accordingly:

            Anxious: Leans gently or glides down to show them her belly to rub.

            Happy: Wags her tail and sits patiently for them to pat her as they share their story.
            Depressed: Gentle licks and stillness. She has moaned a few times.
            Mad: Returns to her crate to give them some space.

Because Suki cannot rely on verbal communication, she maximizes her observation of nonverbal communication. She is not thrown off by bravado, or fake happiness. Suki watches and decides for herself and responds accordingly. She is perfectly attuned.

 In order to build trust, increase a positive relationship, and establish a collaborative culture in our teen . . . we have to make room to practice attunement.

Six steps to attunement with your teenager:

1.      Observe body language and level of energy.
2.      Listen to the tone of language.
3.      Interpret the message of how your teenager is really feeling.
4.      Feel the emotion in your own body.
5.      Respond by moving closer or giving space.
6.      Decide if this is the right timing to discuss how the day went, or how the evening needs to go, or just be quiet and present- based on 1-5.

There is an ebb and flow of emotional energy that runs like a current through the normal teenager. We parents typically have terrible timing. Admit it, there are times when you are less responsive to what your teenager wants from you- that is how it feels to them when we rush in with our list when they are not receptive. Attunement is a welcome alighnment of emotional energy. It will over time improve your communication (consider the difference between monologue and dialogue) and your relationship.

So, think like an old dog when your teenager comes in from school. There is a treat in it for you!
Please share about your attunement practice.