Parenting within the speed limit

I was recently stopped by a police officer for speeding.  This kind of recklessness is not typical for me.  But there was a greater, cosmic, reason for me to be breaking rules.  I was on a rescue mission involving  my young adult.  She had a problem and wanted me to be there. I was in helicopter parent mode and there was some temporary insanity involved.   I was not subject to the laws of reason or limit.

I needed to be stopped.

I had time to think while I waited for my ticket.  Why is parenting a young adult so hard? 

 

The police officer was kind, polite, and twentysomething. The irony was not lost on me. 

 

Maybe parenting a young adult is hard because they are adults now. My daughter WANTED me to be there.  She didn't NEED for me to be there. In fact she had driven herself to our meeting place and was on time, no speeding involved.

 

As parents we have a great responsibility to provide a strong foundation. We "train them in the way they should go." But once they get to a certain point, it becomes their journey. We can advise them, but whether they want our advice or take our advice is really up to them. 

 

Both of my daughters are now fully engaged in their second education.  Life.  Life will teach them some valuable hard lessons. 

  

Will they consult with me about their life lessons? Sometimes, if I don't talk too much or push too hard or rush in to rescue. 

 

Wisdom isn't given it is earned.

 

My daughter asked me to join her, not to fix the problem.  Big difference.

 

Of course I thanked the twentysomething police officer when he gave me my ticket. It only cost me $149 to learn to slow down and discontinue my rescue missions.  This past week I paid my fine and was informed that I am on 90 days probation.  Basically if I don't do anything stupid, the whole speeding thing will be forgiven and forgotten.  I hope I don't screw it up.

 

My name is Dr. Lisa, and I am a recovering helicopter parent.. I am gaining wisdom and exercising caution during the next 90 days. One day at a time.

 

What parenting trap has slowed you down lately?

 

 

 

Capturing your Teen's Attention

Have you ever seen a commercial that begins with the phrase
"How many times have I asked you to . . . "


Parents of teenagers can learn a lot from TV commercials.  Commercials are simple sound bytes.  In a brief interruption they manage to be visually interesting, appeal to the audience, and typically leave the consumer feeling good and desiring the product.  With some practice and strategy, parents can convey information in this way as well.
How do they do it? Advertising gurus study their target audience: Although each person is unique, as a group what do teenagers want?  Freedom, friends, social connection, relaxation, stuff, money, etc.  If left to their own devices, what do teenagers do?  Sleep, text, watch TV, technology, eat, hang out with friends, etc.  What gets their POSITIVE attention? Humor, quirkiness, connection, fun. 

So if the average teenager is motivated by sleep, fun, and relaxation, and the average parent is motivated by responsibility, deadlines, and money- isn't it obvious why we have trouble communicating? 

Commercial                  versus                   Parent 

30 seconds long              v.                          Lecture format
Actor/actress                   v.                         Weary parent face
Humor                             v.                         Irritation
Catchy Jingle                   v.                         Broken Record
Encouraging                    v.                         Nagging


We are a sad contrast to the snappy, peppy commercials that captivate our teenagers attention.  Commercials are typically fun.  Fun sells.  I am not suggesting that you need to be fun all of the time, but there is a magic ratio of connecting: directing that will work more effectively with your emerging young adult.  You need to find the formula FAST. 

The reason why teens are more responsive to cleaning their room before you take them to the mall to hang out with their friends is because they are motivated by the fun awaiting them.  Not the clean room.  Get it?

Consider this: Write a list of all of the things you want your teenager to do. DO NOT GIVE THEM THE LIST.  As you are interacting with your young person, smile, and ask "What are your plans for the day?" Listen with a happy heart."Will you have time to do x(0ne thing on list)?" Listen.   "That's great!" or "Darn, I could use your help."Beef up your connection and try again.

Organize some teen directed fun to try out your sound bytes, or work it in after a sweaty family yard day when you are sipping lemonade and complimenting them on how awesome they already are. 

Want to get them to take out the trash, fill out their college applications, and clean out the garage?  Think like a TV commercial.  Understand their needs/wants, connect, be fun, and choose your words carefully.

The Independence of Young Adulthood

Once you are a mom, you will always be a mom. 

But parenting is a time limited job. If you are good at it you will be become obsolete in that role.  Since the goal is to raise a child, once that child is an adult you are done with the parenting part.  If you are wise you will slowly move yourself into a consultant role to your emerging adult as a mutual process. It is painful, wonderful, exciting, terrifying, and true.  You will not always be a parent.

My first wake up call to the shelf life of my own parenting was at the office.  I was listening to this young man who was preparing for his senior year of high school.  He was such a capable kid; strong character, good grades,terrific support system, many talents and abilities.  He expressed concern about the frightening personality change in his mother.  She was suddenly "always mad." She had transformed into this controlling, obsessed, critical, zombie woman.  He dreaded the "nagfest" every time he ran into her, which was less and less frequent as he was trying to avoid her drama.
"This morning was the WORST! She actually made little sticky notes with things she wants me to do and covered my door with them while I was asleep! What is wrong with her?" He was worried.

Although I wasn't sure, I said that I suspected that his mom was feeling time slip away. This time next year he would be preparing for college. "I know it sounds wierd but I think she is trying to let you know that she will miss you." I suggested that he set up a time to talk with her and take notes about what she thought was important to accomplish in preparing for his future. "She will be okay again." I reassured him.

Later I drove home to remove all of the sticky notes I had plastered all over my daughter's bedroom door.  Good thing she slept past noon. 

Developmental psychologists suggest that for most kids there is a gradual letting go of parental dependence at the rate of about 10% each year starting at age 10.  It is not that 10-20s  don't need parenting- more that it is natural for kids to attempt increased decision making during this time period.  In contrast, some kids are steadfast in their dependency until one day they peel themselves off like a used bandaid.  Funny thing.  Parenting works like that too!  If you prepare yourself a little at a time by giving your kiddo practice with increased independence in decisions and self-management, the shift is subtle.  But if you wait too long, do too much, barge in with your sticky notes, to do lists, and other parental torture devices . . . well, you get the picture.  It gets complicated.

Casa Marotta is preparing for a re-launch.  The Artist has completed her gap year and will attend graduate school in the fall.  This is a capable young adult.  She has matured so much since that first launch to college.  It is unlikely that she will only make mature decisions from this point forward but that isn't my job anymore.  It is officially her job.  So while I watch her negotiate apartment contracts, interview roomates, and select her internships for the fall semester I remind myself to hold back until I am invited to share my wisdom.  She needs to direct herself and access support on her own steam.  My tongue has become sore from biting it, and my head spins from trying to avoid overstepping with unwanted questions or remiders, but I know this pain is just part of the letting go. 

Because at the end of my job of parenting, I will still be a mom.  I will always be a mom. And being a mom is pretty darn terrific.

How are you doing with letting go?