Prepare your day with "Good Belly"

Legend has it that a psychologist once traveled to India to seek counsel from the Dalai Lama. The psychologist stood in line for five hours in the heat to ask one question. When it was finally his turn he sat down across from the guru and asked “What is the secret to becoming a great healer?” After a quiet moment of reflection, the Dalai Lama opened his eyes and smiled. He looked directly at the psychologist and answered “You must have good belly.”

Good belly is the key to preparing for my day.  I love my work, and to do it well I must be physically, cognitively, and emotionally ready to listen.  Awareness, intuition, and active listening are core to the process of healing.  Over the past twenty years  I have developed a rhythm and ritual to prepare myself for healing work.

Awareness: I begin with coffee.  Seriously, it is impossible to be attuned to the emotional language of others when you are not alert.  My caffeine of choice is coffee.  I slowly wake up to coffee time spent with my husband.  No big decisions are made, no great “aha moments” about life—just quiet connection.

Intuition: The next step involves solitude.  I spend ten to twenty minutes meditating, reflecting, praying, and/or reading something inspirational. Calming myself in silence helps me to clear my mind and tune out distractions.  This step puts me in “respond” mode, rather than “react” mode. 

Active Listening: My schedule is the final preparation for my day.  Each appointment is an opportunity for that person to express their story, their unique journey toward healing.  I reflect on each client before I greet them in the waiting room- ready to be present and listen. 

Good belly is not only my preparation for clinical work.  I am genuinely grateful that the good belly skills of awareness, intuition, and active listening have prepared me to be a better wife, mother, friend, and family member.  Good belly brings healing to all relationships.

This post was written from an Oklahoma Women Blogger's prompt "prepare your day." Please show them some blogger love by visiting their site to see how other bloggers prepare for their day.

Attunement with your Teenager

Suki Marotta, TDI certified

We could all learn some new tricks from an old dog. Suki is not only my pet, she is my co-therapist on Wednesday afternoons. The teenagers in my practice love the fur off of her. Suki's secret to connecting with teens? She is a master at attunement.

What is attunement? Attunement is a deep form of empathy. It begins with observing the nonverbal clues of another's emotional state and progresses to matching their internal experience. Attunement is an internal and external emotional connection that creates a reciprocal emotional experience between two beings. You become "in synch."

Attunement comes easily to most parents with infants. The baby cries and scrunches up its little face, and the parent listens to the pitch and intensity of the cry- and then either leans in closer to connect or puts the child down to match the emotional need.. As exhausting as babies can be this natural process of connection by attending and emotional matching gets more and more complicated once the child becomes less dependent.

 When a teenager is in my office, Suki pads out of her crate with her head bowed and tail wagging. She doesn't make eye contact right away. She lets the teenager warm up to her first. Then she blasts them with a full dose of intense eye contact and closeness. She leans her head on their lap. She assesses their mood and responds accordingly:

            Anxious: Leans gently or glides down to show them her belly to rub.

            Happy: Wags her tail and sits patiently for them to pat her as they share their story.
            Depressed: Gentle licks and stillness. She has moaned a few times.
            Mad: Returns to her crate to give them some space.

Because Suki cannot rely on verbal communication, she maximizes her observation of nonverbal communication. She is not thrown off by bravado, or fake happiness. Suki watches and decides for herself and responds accordingly. She is perfectly attuned.

 In order to build trust, increase a positive relationship, and establish a collaborative culture in our teen . . . we have to make room to practice attunement.

Six steps to attunement with your teenager:

1.      Observe body language and level of energy.
2.      Listen to the tone of language.
3.      Interpret the message of how your teenager is really feeling.
4.      Feel the emotion in your own body.
5.      Respond by moving closer or giving space.
6.      Decide if this is the right timing to discuss how the day went, or how the evening needs to go, or just be quiet and present- based on 1-5.

There is an ebb and flow of emotional energy that runs like a current through the normal teenager. We parents typically have terrible timing. Admit it, there are times when you are less responsive to what your teenager wants from you- that is how it feels to them when we rush in with our list when they are not receptive. Attunement is a welcome alighnment of emotional energy. It will over time improve your communication (consider the difference between monologue and dialogue) and your relationship.

So, think like an old dog when your teenager comes in from school. There is a treat in it for you!
Please share about your attunement practice.