Feelings Friday: Goodbyes are always hard

Suki (Lynn) Marotta
2004 - 2015

Suki Marotta passed away quietly of natural causes early Sunday morning.

She was a beloved family member, pet, friend, therapy dog, and "mindfulness muse."

Suki wagged her tail into our life in 2006 as a rescue dog. She completed her Therapy Dog International training in 2008.  Suki worked Wednesdays in my office soothing sadness and calming the nerves of clients and staff alike. Her TDI outreach included comforting grieving children at Trinity School, and easing the stress of midterms and finals with the Alpha Chi girls at the University of Oklahoma.  Suki was a frequent guest on this blog as a reminder to "live moment to moment" in mindfulness.

Suki  loved belly rubs, nature walks, raw carrots,  and attention.  She was vocal in her dislike of owls, power tools, and vacuums.

She was energetic and playful throughout her life. Suki was always happy to see you.

She spent a wonderful last day on earth walking, playing, and being loved on by family and friends at the lake. Suki will be remembered for her compassion, loving companionship, and joyful spirit.

Therapy Dog International says "A dog will love you forever." We will love Suki forever.

I have enabled comments for this post if you wish to share a memory about Suki or a thought about grieving a pet.  Many thanks always for reading and following.

Attunement with your Teenager

Suki Marotta, TDI certified

We could all learn some new tricks from an old dog. Suki is not only my pet, she is my co-therapist on Wednesday afternoons. The teenagers in my practice love the fur off of her. Suki's secret to connecting with teens? She is a master at attunement.

What is attunement? Attunement is a deep form of empathy. It begins with observing the nonverbal clues of another's emotional state and progresses to matching their internal experience. Attunement is an internal and external emotional connection that creates a reciprocal emotional experience between two beings. You become "in synch."

Attunement comes easily to most parents with infants. The baby cries and scrunches up its little face, and the parent listens to the pitch and intensity of the cry- and then either leans in closer to connect or puts the child down to match the emotional need.. As exhausting as babies can be this natural process of connection by attending and emotional matching gets more and more complicated once the child becomes less dependent.

 When a teenager is in my office, Suki pads out of her crate with her head bowed and tail wagging. She doesn't make eye contact right away. She lets the teenager warm up to her first. Then she blasts them with a full dose of intense eye contact and closeness. She leans her head on their lap. She assesses their mood and responds accordingly:

            Anxious: Leans gently or glides down to show them her belly to rub.

            Happy: Wags her tail and sits patiently for them to pat her as they share their story.
            Depressed: Gentle licks and stillness. She has moaned a few times.
            Mad: Returns to her crate to give them some space.

Because Suki cannot rely on verbal communication, she maximizes her observation of nonverbal communication. She is not thrown off by bravado, or fake happiness. Suki watches and decides for herself and responds accordingly. She is perfectly attuned.

 In order to build trust, increase a positive relationship, and establish a collaborative culture in our teen . . . we have to make room to practice attunement.

Six steps to attunement with your teenager:

1.      Observe body language and level of energy.
2.      Listen to the tone of language.
3.      Interpret the message of how your teenager is really feeling.
4.      Feel the emotion in your own body.
5.      Respond by moving closer or giving space.
6.      Decide if this is the right timing to discuss how the day went, or how the evening needs to go, or just be quiet and present- based on 1-5.

There is an ebb and flow of emotional energy that runs like a current through the normal teenager. We parents typically have terrible timing. Admit it, there are times when you are less responsive to what your teenager wants from you- that is how it feels to them when we rush in with our list when they are not receptive. Attunement is a welcome alighnment of emotional energy. It will over time improve your communication (consider the difference between monologue and dialogue) and your relationship.

So, think like an old dog when your teenager comes in from school. There is a treat in it for you!
Please share about your attunement practice.

Are morning melt-downs spoiling your mood?

The alarm rings by your bed and it is Monday, the beginning of a new school week.  Your mission is to motivate/encourage another human being into student mode—and you have a deadline.  The next bell is the sound of school starting.  What you do between those two alarms makes a big impact on yout mood in car pool and possibly the rest of the day for both you and your child. 
 
Learning the language of feelings improves the emotional climate of our family.  When our children are little we do not hesitate to label things for them.  People, food, pets, animals at the zoo.  The purpose of this naming game is to help communication; it is a sharing between parent and child.  If our children only have four words (happy, mad, sad, scared) to describe their emotional experience we are limiting the value and range of emotions in our family.

Increased self-awareness on the feelings part of parenting requires you to identify, acknowledge, and manage your own emotions so you can be more effective in teaching those skills to your child. It directions your attention on the how to get ready for school. Reality check -early morning leadership is a stretch for non-morning people, big and small.

Going back to our morning "sprint," what emotions are you and your child managing?  Here is my guess: Tired, reluctant, anxious, and frustrated to name a few.  Notice happy, cheerful, excited isn't included in my list.  It is stressful to think of the gap between how parents want mornings to feel and the likelihood of those emotions occuring spontaneously. Hence the meltdowns. 

When you acknowledge the feelings you and your child are experiencing, each of you can better prepare a strategy for making mornings FEEL better.

As a grown up what soothes you into wakefulness?  Is it lingering over coffee? Watching the news?  Reading a meditation? Take some time to reflect on the mornings where YOU were less likely to melt down.  Put some healthy ritual into your wake up.  It may require waking up earlier and getting ready before you get your kiddo moving.  This will increase the odds that you will be centered in your morning leadership.

How long does it actually take your child to get ready for school, if left to their own devices? Time it on the weekend. Consider extending your morning to decrease the "rush your guts out" experience. If this is an unreasonable amount of time here are some strategies parents have used to assist in time management: 

• Picking out clothes at night.
• Sleeping in their clothes (not kidding, it has been done)
• Storing back pack and shoes by the door.
• Having a list of morning to dos in the bathroom.

To decrease power struggles you may need to develop rules for keeping kids on track.  Successful examples are no television in the morning and stating a specific time of departure (our car leaves at 8:00).  In the early days our family enjoyed music in the mornings, kid's pick.  Tunes kept the pace rolling and provided a sense of time passing.  On our best mornings there was a sing along (it was rare but memorable)!

Do school mornings always have to mean a melt-down? No, but as a parent you will do well to adjust your goal to be more zen and less Mario Andretti.

What strategies are working in your mornings?