Mindfulness Monday:Live In the Moment

h/t Nicole Jacob's Blog

Most of us have the technology available at any moment to document daily life.  But what are we missing by preserving the image?

Our camera can quickly become a filter for our experiences. We stop living in the moment and making the memory while we capture the image. Instead of feeling relaxation, joy, gratitude, sorrow, we are stirred with an urgency to take a picture and share it with others. We step away.

Pause.  Become aware of this temptation.




I WILL LIVE IN THE MOMENT AND LINGER IN THE BEAUTY OF MY EXPERIENCES THIS WEEK.

Connection: The Empathy Superpower

The Art of Listening May 2013

In our hero’s quest to improve our relationships the greatest superpower we have is empathy.  Empathy is the ability to connect to the emotions of another person, and it involves good old fashioned listening.  Moving too fast, searching for a witty comeback, and looking for loop holes will distract us from empathic listening.  We must slow down, lean in, and listen with our whole heart.  This stillness sets the stage for improved understanding- there is no short cut.

If we focus on “understanding how we understand” we can enhance our superpower in our most precious relationships. Practice really does make a difference. Grab your cape for this hero's quest, it may get uncomfortable. 

Daniel Goleman, our emotional intelligence yogi, has identified 3 distinct forms of empathy:  

Cognitive:  This is a mind to mind connection.  When you tune into this element of empathy you are listening very carefully to how I perceive a problem in my life so you can understand my thinking. This may be hard because you may have a different viewpoint, but you actively put that aside to listen very carefully to my words, implied values, and the formation of my world view. You set the intention to respect our philosophical difference.  People who have worked to enhance this skill spend time listening and clarifying ("Is this what you mean- do I have this right?") in their communications in an effort to understand. Cognitive empathy is a discipline of thought, with the emotional regulation of suspending any impulse to correct, influence, or defend. 

Emotional: The feeling to feeling connection. When you are connecting with my feelings you are accepting and experiencing them with me.  This can be painful because I might share feelings that are intense and if you care about me you will want me to feel better (and if I am  mad you- you might want to get mad back).  Emotional empathy is not about finding the solution; it is the full acceptance and “leaning into” the feelings of the other person.  People who have advanced abilities in emotional empathy spend time listening, observing nonverbal cues, and reflecting feelings back ("You are exhausted, angry, and resentful") to fine-tune their understanding.  Emotional empathy is the discipline of serving as a conduit of another person’s feelings without judgment, or resistance.

Compassionate: This is the call to action connection.  When you are sensitized to my struggle and you choose to respond in a way that meets my need.  Sometimes the action is subtle- you see that I am hungry and you offer me half of your sandwich.  Other times the action is complicated- you watch the news and notice there has been a disaster and people are without supplies, so you go to the store and bring water.  Compassionate empathy is engaging emotionally in another person’s experience, even though that requires extra effort, or inconvenience. 

When we are using our superpower of empathy- we are taking a relational risk that may lead us to think, feel, or act differently than we would if we were detached.  When we get really courageous we can try out all three forms at once.  Here we go getting vulnerable again! It will transform our relationships if we let it. Will you take the risk?

"Motivation aside, if people get better at these life skills, everyone benefits: The brain doesn't distinguish between being a more empathic manager and a more empathic father." Daniel Goleman

Attunement with your Teenager

Suki Marotta, TDI certified

We could all learn some new tricks from an old dog. Suki is not only my pet, she is my co-therapist on Wednesday afternoons. The teenagers in my practice love the fur off of her. Suki's secret to connecting with teens? She is a master at attunement.

What is attunement? Attunement is a deep form of empathy. It begins with observing the nonverbal clues of another's emotional state and progresses to matching their internal experience. Attunement is an internal and external emotional connection that creates a reciprocal emotional experience between two beings. You become "in synch."

Attunement comes easily to most parents with infants. The baby cries and scrunches up its little face, and the parent listens to the pitch and intensity of the cry- and then either leans in closer to connect or puts the child down to match the emotional need.. As exhausting as babies can be this natural process of connection by attending and emotional matching gets more and more complicated once the child becomes less dependent.

 When a teenager is in my office, Suki pads out of her crate with her head bowed and tail wagging. She doesn't make eye contact right away. She lets the teenager warm up to her first. Then she blasts them with a full dose of intense eye contact and closeness. She leans her head on their lap. She assesses their mood and responds accordingly:

            Anxious: Leans gently or glides down to show them her belly to rub.

            Happy: Wags her tail and sits patiently for them to pat her as they share their story.
            Depressed: Gentle licks and stillness. She has moaned a few times.
            Mad: Returns to her crate to give them some space.

Because Suki cannot rely on verbal communication, she maximizes her observation of nonverbal communication. She is not thrown off by bravado, or fake happiness. Suki watches and decides for herself and responds accordingly. She is perfectly attuned.

 In order to build trust, increase a positive relationship, and establish a collaborative culture in our teen . . . we have to make room to practice attunement.

Six steps to attunement with your teenager:

1.      Observe body language and level of energy.
2.      Listen to the tone of language.
3.      Interpret the message of how your teenager is really feeling.
4.      Feel the emotion in your own body.
5.      Respond by moving closer or giving space.
6.      Decide if this is the right timing to discuss how the day went, or how the evening needs to go, or just be quiet and present- based on 1-5.

There is an ebb and flow of emotional energy that runs like a current through the normal teenager. We parents typically have terrible timing. Admit it, there are times when you are less responsive to what your teenager wants from you- that is how it feels to them when we rush in with our list when they are not receptive. Attunement is a welcome alighnment of emotional energy. It will over time improve your communication (consider the difference between monologue and dialogue) and your relationship.

So, think like an old dog when your teenager comes in from school. There is a treat in it for you!
Please share about your attunement practice.

"Miss Manners" Guide to Parent Teacher Conferences

Photo by google images and angelameirs.com

Welcome October! Parents and teachers around the nation will soon be scheduling the all important communication about the success of each student into 15 to 20 minute increments.  Often while sitting in very tiny chairs they will  talk about very big topics like academic, social, and emotional development. In this high stress environment it is always good to stick with the basics therefore I have composed a 5 point "Miss Manners" guide to increase the effectiveness of Parent Teacher Conferences:

1. Be Prepared.  Attend the Open House and make notes so you are familiar with the teacher. Have a special folder that you keep on hand to put your child's noteworthy (strength and weakness) papers. Speak to your child about their school experience. Consult with other adults in your child's life (tutor, counselor, sitter) to collect observations about your child in different settings. Reflect on last year's challenges and triumphs.  Gather all of this input and consider the most salient points to share with the teacher. 
2.  Be Punctual.  Remember when you were taught you only have one chance to make a first impression?  Teachers run a tight schedule and punctuality is one way that you will show respect.  Dress appropriately for the meeting and arrive early.  Bring your folder with you so you can review your questions and input before it is your turn. 
3. Be Friendly, Stay Calm.  Smile at the teacher and shake hands.  Have a compliment ready to start the conference on a positive note.  Expect that the teacher will have constructive as well as positive feedback about your child.  Refrain from defensiveness, you are collecting information and have limited time.  Take notes so you can remember the feedback so you can revisit it again in a more neutral setting at your leisure. 
4. Be Open-Minded.  If you or the teacher have identified a problem area, you will need to develop a short term action plan.  Be proactive in asking the teacher what you can do at home to support the issue in the classroom. Breathe! Take suggestions with grace, you will have another opportunity to revisit suggestions in a follow up meeting.  Determine the best way to contact the teacher later to evaluate progress regarding the problem area.
5. Be Grateful. Take the time to write a thank you note.  Teachers appreciate this far more than apple shaped mugs or gift cards.  Summarize the points that were helpful to you in the meeting and express your interest in working together to help your child succeed this year. Share the highlights with your child and communicate a positive message about school and the teacher.

Make the world a better place-Represent your most "mannerly" (emotionally intelligent) self in your teamwork with school.  The teacher AND your child will notice!