COMFORT: DEFINING SHELTER

Statue of Liberty Wall Cling- Target purchase

SHeltər/

noun

1.

a place giving temporary protection from bad weather or danger

Last year’s Oklahoma weather escalated the storm shelter business.  We Marottas waited five months to get ours installed.  While it isn't as slick as a room remodel or as fun as a backyard Jacuzzi, neither of these provides protection in tornado country.  

When our kids wore Keds the bathroom was our safe place.  The girls plus dog could fit together in the bathtub with helmets, pillows, and at least one book.  My post was next to the tub with candles and a battery operated radio, while Sweetness held vigil at the television until the very last possible moment to add to the drama.  Good times.

The Keds are now replaced with size 8 Nike's, so we upgraded our safety to an in-ground-in-garage storm shelter.  It's not much bigger than a Jacuzzi, but it has a purpose- knowing we have shelter brings me peace.

verb

1.

protect or shield from something harmful, especially bad weather

An internet search yielded resources to the essential items to include in a survival kit.  We also need to shelter the anxiety when we are in our safe place so I have intentionally personalized our kit to bring comfort.  Our “safe snacks” are foods we take on hikes, with biscuits to coax our resident therapy dog down the steep stairs. Cards and Mad-Libs will pass the time and bring some comic relief.  The crotchet blankets are a Grammie legacy- she sheltered me in my formative years.

The idea of us all sitting in a snug grey box under my Ford called for just a little something extra. .  . A focal point.  Our shelter needed something to welcome us to safety. For our family the Statue of Liberty is our visual anchor. 

“Give me your tired, your poor, 

Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, 

The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. 

Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed, to me: 

I lift my lamp beside the golden door.” 

― Emma Lazarus

New York is where our family began.  Sweetness and I met and married there.  It is where the Artist. was born. New York is home to family and friends that feel like family.  After the storm we know we will hear from them.  Lady Liberty gives us hope that we will weather the storm.

I wish you and your family shelter and continued comfort this tornado season.

COMFORT: Manage yourself so you can manage the crisis

Suki in her TDI  work outfit OU 2014

This month is dedicated to creative and resourceful coping strategies for all ages. I have noticed over the years that many people (self included) go into overdrive when life gets intense.  In a futile attempt to fake normalcy during crisis we push to get everything to look just like it always does, except there is this pesky crisis thing. We delude ourselves into thinking that we “don’t have enough time” to take care of ourselves in desperate times. If this sounds familiar and you are wondering how to fit it all in, consider this:

YOU DON’T HAVE TO FIT IT ALL IN- YOU WILL HAVE TO LET SOME THINGS GO.  

Manage yourself so you can manage the crisis. A new normal will come and you will get to the other stuff later.

Let go of the ordinary “to do” list when you are faced with a life storm.  Make simple meals. Eat healthy-ish take out.  Forget the laundry. Do the minimum in each of the automatic but wonderful ways that you maintain your life so you can take time to restore your emotional and physical self. Consider breaks to exercise, meditate, pray, talk to a friend, rest, and if you are lucky enough to have a pet - grab some floor time with your quiet confidante.

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Therapy Dog Tales

Last week Suki and I took a drive down to Norman, OK to visit the Alpha Chi Omega sorority house.  The tense quiet was a clear sign that we arrived just in time to kick off the beginning of finals week.  Within moments the entry was filled with girls in bare feet squealing to get Suki’s undivided “puppy love.”  Suki gave them all some one on one time and listened while they shared stories of pets at home, complained about late night studies, and wished aloud that Suki could come back every day. 

The Alpha Chi sisters recognized their need to take a break and receive comfort and support.  Before long laughter, joking around, and lots of smiling replaced the eerie stillness. The break time offered an opportunity to recharge.  There will still be time to finish research papers and cram for the killer physics exam. We were only there for an hour but we left the sorority house a much happier place than when we arrived.

Mindfulness Mondays: Embracing the "Experience" with bonus Blog Hop

h/t bored panda

Dee Dee Chumley posted this priceless quote last week: 

"Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted."

Credited to Randy Pausch (The Last Lecture) and can also be found on the wall of Jimmy John's sandwich shops all across the country.

We all get our share of "experience." How you respond is what makes the difference.  Will you grow and persevere or will you give up? 

This week I will embrace the opportunity to grow through my experiences. 

Bonus Blog Hop:  Last week I was asked to participate in a "blog hop" by my wise friend and critique partner Mari Farthing. She sent me five questions regarding the writing process and encouraged me to "tag" another blogger for you to visit next week who will answer the same five questions.  

Welcome to my stop on the hop

What are you working on?

Over the past ten years I have been working on improving my writing and developing a sense of community with writerly friends/colleagues. My current obsession focus is on my NICE ADVICE series, “because all problems feel big when you are little and every caring parent wants to help.” The stories are a blend of fiction and nonfiction, addressing topics related to feelings, families, friendship, and school.  Each book encourages parent and child to cuddle up, read aloud, and begin the conversation. 

This past weekend at the Oklahoma Writers Federation, Inc (OWFI) I had an “experience.” A talented editor/agent informed me that my series was actually geared toward Early Reader (think Junie B Jones) versus Picture Book (Where the Wild Things are). This shift will require expansion, revision, and a great deal of work.  I’m very excited about the challenge- many thanks to Maria Vicente.

How does your work differ from other of its genre?

There are some very good traditional “counseling books” on the market but I typically use nontraditional books in my private practice.  A strong story and a relatable character is what works in making a child feel comfortable talking about difficult things. 

Why do you write what you do?

I write children’s books to provide a positive experience between parent and child.  My mission in my psychology practice/writing is advocacy, empowerment, and healing. 

How does your writing process work?

I struggle with finding the time to balance all the things that I love, and imagine this is a lifelong juggle. My “sweet spot” time for writing/blogging seems to be morning to get thoughts out of my head and onto the page, and revision always goes smoother in the evening. 

The next stop on our blog hop is Shel Harrington.  Shel is not only the divorce lawyer who hates divorce she is also a humorous writer who loves marriage.  Please send some blog love her way on Monday, May 12 to find out more about her writing process.

Anxiety: Sleep and Stress

According to the APA survey Stress in America only 20 percent of the adults reported good or excellent sleep.  Sleep doctors advise that adults get 7 to 9 hours of sleep per night.  The APA results confirmed that those surveyed who slept 8 hours or more reported lower stress levels than those who slept less than 8 hours.  

The high stress/low sleep group was also more likely to report symptoms of low energy, irritability, feeling overwhelmed, skipping exercise, no motivation to complete responsibilities, and losing patience and yelling at their children and/or spouse.  You could lose sleep just thinking about those symptoms!

For the mildly sleep deprived there is always the hope of catching up on sleep tomorrow, or the next day…

But how can we get our nightly dose of 8 hours? The gurus suggest that we improve our sleep hygiene- with enough practice these habits should become as automated as brushing our teeth and washing our face:

Timing: You have heard it before, but it really is true: Setting a consistent sleep/wake schedule even during the weekends helps with sleep quality.

Screens: Sleep experts recommend shutting off all screens (TV, cell phones, laptops, ipads, etc) at least one hour before bedtime.  Technology lighting can make falling asleep more complicated. 

 Naps: Must be brief (20-25 minutes) and before 5:00.  Altho naps aren't for everyone- I am a big fan, it is one of my super powers (naptastic!).

Reading: Only Mrs. Stephen King should invite Stephen King to bed. Be selective about evening reading. 

Shower/bath: Our bodies have a thermal response that sets the mood for sleep. Taking a warm shower or bath before bed helps to induce a sleepy feeling by slowing down our breathing, heart rate, and digestion.  Consider comforting lotions for après bath.

Journaling: Some of us are plagued with “to do” lists or feel compelled to replay the events of the day as we settle down for sleep.  Hot pen journaling is one technique that I suggest at night:.  Pretend the pen is hot and write until you run out of things to write.  It is like a brain drain- no editing allowed.  Over time you will see patterns emerge in the thoughts that nag at you at night.  Getting them out of your head and onto the paper may help you with problem solving during the day.  Some of my teenage clients prefer a doodle log.  They take a sketch pad and favorite markers to calmly draw before sleep.

Go grab some zzzs - We are all just a  few habit changes away from filling our tanks with the restorative sleep our bodies and minds need to manage stress.  Sweet dreams! 

Mindfulness Mondays: Seek Peace

Last month I toured the NPR studios in Washington, DC. One of my favorite experiences was spending time in "the egg." The egg is a sound proofing chair with WiFi and excellent speakers so you can choose your own sensory environment.  I briefly listened to some excellent classical music.  When I hatched out of the egg - I was shocked by sensory overload!  The news feeds, conversations, phones, monitors, screens, hurt my ears.  I wanted back in the egg!

There is so much stimulation in our daily life we are desensitized by how much is vying for our attention..

This week I will seek peace in my surroundings.

Monday Mindfulness: Step outside of your comfort zone

Spring is a time of awakening and discovery.  Join me this month in virtual artist dates, welcoming a fresh perspective and pushing us past our comfort zones.











I can step outside of my comfort zone

Mindfulness Mondays: Stillness

Lake Tahlequah Sunset 2013

In this fast paced world, we can easily get trapped in a perpetual state of "busy-ness." As we begin our practice of mindfulness we must be present to ourselves in stillness. We must slow down, lean in, and listen with our whole heart.


What can you learn about yourself this week in the silence?








I CAN QUIET MY MIND AND STILL MY BODY TO LISTEN WITH MY WHOLE HEART.
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Lifestyle Balance: A Few of my Favorite Things

The Inklings Critique Group- please visit their blogs

This is not the Sound of Music, and I am certainly not Oprah, although I am a fan of both.  Sometime in December I typically reflect on what is working and what is not working in my attempt to lead a balanced life.

After some soul searching and several cups of coffee this list represents what  IS working in my resilience planning during times of stress.

1. Social Support: Between my family, professional relationships, writing group, prayer partner (who is also named Lisa), and weight watchers community, there is always a safe place for me to ask for help when I need it. Cultivating healthy relationships is a key part of my stress bounce back tool box.

2. Physical:
The stress and recovery cycle of a challenging work-out helps our bodies and brains rehearse for the everyday stress that we manage at home or at work. I consider myself fortunate that I have found  fitness programs that I LOVE:  

Jazzercise has captivated my attention and helped me express my love of music and dance for over 20 years. The studio is a welcoming place to all ages and fitness levels.

YOU POWER YOGA is a new and much needed addition to my fitness options.  The studio is heated to a cozy (for me) 85 degrees and although the poses can be very physically daunting to my body and my brain I always leave feeling relaxed and peaceful.  An added bonus is that no matter how expert you become with Yoga it is always called "practice." Love that.

If I do not manage my time well I am banished to the treadmill in the closet but this is NOT one of my favorite things.

3. Intellectual/Creative:  Now that the girls are mostly launched, I am finding time to manage my own opportunities for learning.  Education is a powerful tool in my universe and I am excited to continue to explore options in this area. My writerly side gets great encouragement from Oklahoma Writer's Federation Inc. , and Oklahoma Women Bloggers.  The private practice psychologist self is finding a renewed involvement in the Oklahoma Psychological Association.

I am hoping this post will encourage you to pour yourself a grande latte and reflect on what is helping you balance and bounce back from stress as of December 2013.  Please visit the links to find out more about the various places that bring me great joy and abundant support, maybe they have something to offer you too!

Helping your child weather the storm of tragedy

Imagine there is a sudden rainstorm.  You are walking with your child, sharing an umbrella from the wind and pelting rain.  You shelter your child from the worst of the storm, as best you can, and leave a portion of yourself exposed to the elements.  You have to do the navigating, it is your job.  This is the perspective I suggest to parents in the midst of tragedy.  The recent shooting in Newtown, Connecticut forces us to into action as parents.  I hope this blog entry will help you weather this storm with your young child.

The Storm:  When you prepared your child for school Friday morning, you were unprepared for the terrible news of another school shooting- this time in an elementary school.  Most people find the suffering of children especially hard to manage.   It is a vulnerability of every parent.  Be selective about the amount of news you absorb.  No matter how much information we get about a tragedy it will never make sense.  Your child needs your reassurance.  If you are saturated by the trauma you will not be able to weather the storm.  Some suggestion for managing your own stress:

• Take care of yourself.  Remember to eat, keep your routine, and stay connected with a support system that is comforting to you.
•  Take breaks from the news and avoid overwhelming yourself with pessimistic or alarmist thinking.  Get perspective that this is a rare occurrence.
• Accept and acknowledge your feelings so you can express them appropriately to your child.

The Umbrella:  In the midst of tragedy you hold the umbrella. Remember that the media is not designed to present developmentally appropriate information for children. Once you have managed yourself you are ready to comfort your child. Listen carefully to what your child has heard.  Correct any distortions that may elevate their fears- rumors are common during the unfolding of a disaster. Be open to your child's worries and questions responding with sensitivity to your child's age and prior experience with death or trauma.  Be truthful without being terrifying. Redirect your child if he/she is pressing for gruesome details.  Most children will show some signs of anxiety which may include:

• Trouble sleeping.
• Impaired concentration.
• Tearfulness, reluctance about returning to school.

Providing Shelter:  Recovery from trauma requires restoring balance and safety for children. If you or your child have concerns about the security at school or in your neighborhood, this is an appropriate time to develop a proposal for change.  Empower your family to help make a difference in your own community if  you see need for improvement in safety.  Partner with others to "do good" to counterbalance the awareness that something bad has happened.  It is important to return to normal routine as soon as possible:

• There will be a "first day back" for all students.  Provide accommodations if needed but make the first day Monday.  Examples could be allowing extra time in the morning to be supportive or driving your child instead of using the bus or walking into the building for a quick "you will be fine" hug.
• Do not pick up your child early on their first day or text to check on them.  This is disruptive and suggests that you are afraid.
• Consider a service project to do in honor of the families effected by the shooting or help your child send a card to the school if he/she expresses an interest.

Be courageous in your comfort.  Remind yourself and your child that there are more good people in the world than bad. Children can bounce back from tragedy with the help of a reassuring adult.

“When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.’ To this day, especially in times of ‘disaster,‘ I remember my mother’s words, and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers—so many caring people in this world.” ~ Fred Rogers

Resources: 
www.apa.org American Psychological Association Help Center: Helping your child manage distress in the aftermath of a shooting.  Managing your distress in the aftermath of a shooting.

www.ready.gov Listen, Protect, Connect- Model & Teach: The steps of psychological first aid for your students after a disaster, school crisis, or emergency.