Stress Busting with Social Support Networks

Sample Bigfoot casts for sale 2015

Social isolation is a mistake in stress management.

While it is possible to be alone without being lonely, we all need some form of connection for good health.  In the world of stress research the data is impressive.  Social support boosts our mood, improves our immunity, and decreases our cortisol levels (stress hormone). But how do we find good social support?

• Consider your interests. There is a club for EVERYTHING. Google it, you may be surprised.  There are writing groups, reading groups, conferences, conventions, symposiums, and lecture series.  Into healthy cooking? Seek out cooking classes, William & Sonoma workshops, and food blogs with interactive discussion groups. Like being helpful?  Volunteer, fund raise for a cause, or join a committee. (Just don’t do all of these things at one time because that would be TOO MUCH).

• Reach out. Phone a friend, write a letter, and invite someone to coffee (tea, lunch, or other field trip). If you are feeling isolated that is a sign that you need to initiate.  It can be intimidating to be the first to make a move, but leaving your comfort zone is the good kind of stress- waiting around will not improve your connection.  Community decreases the bad stress.

Your feelings are a good thermometer of getting on track with social support. A healthy group leaves you with the feeling of being cared about and valued, with positive communication and mutual obligation.  If your chosen social “support” frequently leaves you feeling drained, irritable, or more stressed- it is no longer serving the function of support.

Social support is not the same as a support group.  A support group is a place where people with common problems (medical, psychological,or situational) meet to express feelings and encourage one another. They are often facilitated by a leader.  Support groups are a helpful addition for some people in managing stress but are not a replacement for social support.  Finding companionship and caring with some of the members within the support group may lead to social support benefits.

On a recent adventure (traveling with some of my social support network) I discovered the Oklahoma Bigfoot Symposium in Stilwell, Oklahoma. The vendors, authors, and researchers clearly shared an affinity for all things Bigfoot.  But beyond the bumper stickers, necklaces, foot castings, and beer cozies was something bigger.  I found camaraderie, kindness, laughter, and inquiries about family. Unfortunately we  arrived late in the day so we missed the promised “scientific research presentations” but what we found was a social support system.  Strong bonds are formed around the campfire deep in the woods.  They call it “Squatching,” I call it social support. 

“If you don’t have fun Squatching, don’t go.  Life is short and you need to enjoy it. Some of my favorite memories are of sitting around a campfire with good friends telling stories.” Robert Swain author of Bigfoot Boot Camp Handbook

Best of luck in finding your tribe!

Resilient Leadership

Oklahoma State Superintendent Conference February 2015
Dr. Robert Romines

Resilience skills apply to every aspect of life: personal and professional.  Imagine if you were stepping into a new work position during a natural disaster- your responsibilities include the safety of children, teachers, and communicating calm to parents. This is the story of Dr. Robert Romines, Superintendent of the Moore, Oklahoma school district.  In February of this year I had the honor of meeting this “ordinary hero” who demonstrates resilient leadership.

On May 20, 2013 an F5 tornado impacted the community of Moore, Oklahoma and the 23,000 students in Dr. Robert Romines' care. 

He was a first responder to the school buildings destroyed by the storm and helped rescue teachers and students from the disaster sites.  Within moments of learning of the 7 student deaths in the Briarwood school, Dr. Romines was called upon to speak to the media. He communicated reassurance and realistic hope. 

The tornado ended the school year only days away from the planned summer dismissal.  Within the week Dr. Romines assembled a team to provide safe spaces for every student to return for their first day of the next school year.  From May 21 through August 16, 2013 Romines led with the mantra “Anything is possible.”

Understandably, two years later he is still tearful and managing emotions speaking about the events of the Tornado and the rebuilding/recovery effort that followed. Dr. Romines' leadership continues in his Monday email sent out to every family in his district with a “weather update” for the week.

Ordinary people can do extraordinary things utilizing resilience skills: Support, flexibility, decisiveness, and perspective. 

Are you leading your personal life with resilience? 

Are you practicing resilience in your parenting?  

Feelings Friday: Thriving through challenging times

The thriving "Survivor Tree" OKC
h/t Flickr 2008

There is a big difference between surviving and thriving.  We all know people who have experienced crisis or trauma, and relive it every day.  They have survived, but their identity is consumed by the event.  Thrivers have their identity shaped by the event.  They are forever changed, but stronger.  The difference is resilience.  Resilience is a learnable skill, it is NOT a character trait.  Psychologists have been able to identify certain protective factors that all of us can develop to build the skill of resilience.

Create Support.  Having healthy and supportive networks within and outside of your family is invaluable.  The “sweet spot” of how many friends are necessary to provide buoyancy during turbulent times is unique to the individual.  Find your magic number intentionally developing, investing, and nurturing solid relationships starting today. 

Foster Flexibility.  Rigidity does not work well when change happens.  Practice being “bendy” with the little things, like scaling back on your to do list when you have a hectic day.  The more experience you have of developing a Plan B the easier it will be to transition when unwanted change (Job loss, health problem, or crisis) knocks on your door.

Practice Decisiveness. Two habits are debilitating during crisis: passivity and avoidance.  When disaster strikes, action is required.  Passivity can lead to depression, and avoidance transforms into anxiety.  Practice in   decision making and following through with action is empowering and helps you to lead yourself in uncertain times.

Find Perspective. Be realistic in evaluating current obstacles. Have you successfully resolved other challenges in the past?  Is there reason to believe that circumstances can improve?  Seeking hopefulness within a crisis is well worth the effort.  Realism and resilience are great partners in recovery.

I am continually inspired by the stories I hear every day in my work as a psychologist.  Thrivers use their existing resources and develop new skills to navigate through the hard times and come out ahead. Work on your ability to thrive- watch your resilience grow!

"The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places."

Ernest Hemingway

Mindfulness Mondays: Pamper yourself

"Fortitude" New York Public Library 2014

Stress sometimes comes in bundles and although there is no great time for difficult life events, they often come at the least opportune time. It is tempting to grab a quick fix- an emotional band aid like Triple fudge chocolate sundaes and marathon Psych reruns on the couch . . . but there is a healthier alternative. Pamper yourself with a return to the basics.

This week I will pamper myself with healthy choices.

What healthy choices soothe your soul?  Here are some ideas to get you started:

• Go to the Library to check out a much beloved book.  Linger awhile to start Chapter One in hushed silence.
• Hydrate your body.  Suggested daily water intake is six 8 oz servings.
• Hydrate your skin with good for you moisturizer.
• Make healthy food choices for a whole day, one meal at a time.
• Phone a friend that makes you laugh.
• Spend some time outdoors.

ANXIETY: OH THE THINKS THAT YOU THINK!

Deadlines, illness, moving, and mean people are obvious sources of stress.  We can point to these events and say “this is why I feel so anxious!”  Identifying internal stress is trickier because we are not always aware that our thoughts are freaking us out. Although each person’s internal dialogue is unique and special, there are patterns to stressful thoughts. Classic cognitive behaviorists like Aaron Beck, Albert Ellis, and David Burns have labeled these negative thought patterns as distortions because in one way or another, the thoughts are a twist on reality that is believable and triggers an emotional response that makes problem solving harder. 

In less than one month over 150 writers will be traveling to Oklahoma City for the annual conference.  Many of them have submitted manuscripts or essays to be critiqued and JUDGED at contest.  There will also be BIG TIME bestselling authors and INFLUENTIAL agents and editors to meet and greet. 

Can you hear the buzz of excitement?  Do you sense the spiral of anxiety?  Hopefully these stinking thinking examples tailored to writers will demonstrate the universality of anxious thoughts:

All or nothing:  If I am not perfect, I am doomed.

“If I do not place at contest (or get a positive response from an agent) this will be a complete waste of my time and money.”

Overgeneralization: One small piece of evidence is applied globally.

“Last year I totally screwed up my pitch with the agent, I always mess up when the pressure is on.”

Judgment (Fortune Telling or Mind Reading):  Negative assumptions are truth.

“Everyone else is confident at these events; I am awkward and inept at small talk.” Or “I didn't get the appointment time I wanted; the editor probably doesn't want to tell me bad news before lunch.”

Catastrophizing:  What if . . . then there will be disaster.

“If I don’t publish something soon I am a total loser and have no business trying anymore.” 

Emotional Reasoning:  I feel therefore it is so.

“Something terrible is going to happen at the conference this year, I don’t know what it is exactly, but I can feel it in my bones.  Maybe I won’t go.”

Should Statements:  I am not normal.

“I’m not good enough to make an agent appointment- I shouldn't even bother.”Or “I should have a contract by now.”

The gurus are quick to point out that the longer you obsess on a negative thought the more real it becomes for you.  Reduce internal stress by recognizing stinking thinking before it gets out of control and interferes with  enjoying life as it comes.  Challenge self-defeating thoughts- there are so many opportunities that you don’t want to miss by freaking yourself out! 

MINDFULNESS MONDAYS: Extra-Ordinary Beauty

h/t Lisa Hoke: Pattern created from take-out boxes, Pepsi cups,
and napkins. Installation at OKCMOA ends this week.

We can all get stuck in a rut of looking without really seeing, hearing without actually listening.

Mindfulness encourages us to be fully present to our experience and notice those things around us that we take for granted.

Trash can be treasure.
Rain brightens nature.
The peaceful tick of a clock.


I CAN FIND BEAUTY IN THE ORDINARY

ANXIETY: Making Waves

Is it possible to be balanced?

Yes, but like walking the balance beam it requires an ongoing adjustment. A day by day, week by week process of evaluating and tweaking your “to dos” and allowing for relaxation. Lifestyle balance is a very intentional use of energy and time. It’s all about making waves.

Making waves is all about energy out, and energy recovered.  Ideally we plan for time to be busy, and time to rest (not pass out).  We all have a unique rhythm that works for us, and it changes with our age and the stage of development and responsibilities.  For many of us it is not our prescheduled hours that are creating stress—it is what we do with our unscheduled time that robs us of much needed recovery.

Exercise is a physiological example of waves at work.  In a 60 minute workout, you will spend approximately 15 minutes warming up, thirty minutes of energy expended, and 15 minutes cooling down.  Your body even does the cool down for you if you don’t allow for it yourself.  Your heart rate, respiration, and perspiration recognize that it is time to wind down.  This is one of the many reasons why health professionals (medical and psychological) recommend exercise as a regular routine for well-being.  Your body memorizes this pattern of stress and recovery for stress which is an immunity booster for when you are under stress that you can’t control.

Here are the signs and symptoms of Tsunami (Too much energy out—poor use of energy recovered):

Magnified sense of pressure and stress

Amplified anxiety and nervousness

Increasingly negative attitude             

Frequent cold/flu symptoms

Diminished work enjoyment

Physical aches and pains

Declining productivity

Poor concentration

Weight problems

Low motivation

Moodiness

Annoyance

Insomnia

Boredom

Fatigue

In the recovery phase of your wave you want to do something that makes you say “AHHHHHHH” with a sense of relief.  That may be laying down, reading a book, finding a fun blog, crafting, knitting, playing a game with your children, listening to music while sipping exotic tea . . . It is a planned rejuvenation that allows you to bounce back from your day with a smile . . . and has no side effects.  If your idea of recovery is a tall glass of red wine some evenings—that may be helpful.  If a tall glass of red wine is your only go-to for stress recovery you can see how that might become a problem.  Despite the fact that we are talking about waves "surfing" is not a good strategy.Television and Internet are not always the best choice.  If you have a particular show that you like to watch that might give you some peacefulness, but research has shown that “surfing” the net or cable does not reduce stress. It is distraction, not relaxation.

If you have had a particularly difficult day--you require extra recovery time.  Quit the "one more thing" mentality and start your down time earlier and choose it well. It is all about making waves!

This month we will be looking at the causes and treatment of stress and anxiety.  I hope you will find something that helps and pass it along to a friend.  

Discovery: Field Trips for Adults

Sherry and the forbidden fruit /Santa Fe 2013

Remember field trips when you were a kid? Waking up in the morning knowing there was no school just the anticipation of adventure? This month I am signing your permission slip to let your inner artist play on artist dates (mini field trips) either virtual or real.  The concept of artist dates was first articulated by Julia Cameron in her workshops and book The Artist’s Way.  The point is  to step outside of your comfort zone and experience something different.  We are trying to generate that buzz of excitement that comes from a change of venue, a free afternoon to explore. 

Think about a place that you are curious about.  Maybe it is an antique store that you pass every day on your way to work, but you have never gone in.  What about that drop in art class that you have thought “someday . . . “ You now have a special invitation to go- nurture your creative spirit that has been cooped up all winter interacting with the same people and the same visual field.  There are no rules on these field trips, except that you take them.  Let your creative self step outside of the box and experience fresh ideas, new ways of thinking or moving.

Here is a brainstorm of possible artist dates:

1. See one of the Oscar award winning films.
2. Go to a local festival, music event, art walk, play, or museum.
3. Choose a fantasy mentor.  Take time to read their books, watch their videos, and learn about their life as an artist.
4. Crank up the music and dance like no one is watching.
5. Play with Pinterest and invent a new board to inspire your creativity.
6. Take a walk with someone else’s iPod, expose yourself to new music.
7. Blog hop for more ideas on artist dates, or Kristen Nader’s blog- she writes anywhere and takes great photos.
8. Take a road trip and stop at quirky roadside shops.
9. Experience a religious service that is not your own.
10. Have a technology free day.

I hope you will join me in the discovery of fresh concepts and renewed energy this month.  I would love to hear where you have gone – please leave a comment or if you are shy, send me an email and I will post it for you anonymously dr.lisamarotta@gmail.com

Mindfulness Mondays: Embrace Change

An affirmation is a positive statement that guides our thinking and emotional mindset.  Psychologists use affirmations to assist people who are struggling with low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, and negative habits.

Start the positive habit of weekly affirmations!

Life will take unexpected twists and turns. I can embrace change in my life.

Let The Wild Rumpus Start

A great children's book has the ability to take a singular experience and create the universal.  Every kid can relate to Max and the havoc he created in his wolf suit.  Looking at Where the Wild Things Are by Maurice Sendak through its storytelling value we have the opportunity to spark conversation about anger, separation fear, time out, parental love, and bounce back from stress. 

 

Maurice Sendak won the Caldecott Medal in 1964 for this classic picture book.  He grew up when the depression, the Holocaust, and the kidnapping of the Lindbergh baby were world headlines in his Brooklyn neighborhood.  Mr. Sendak was controversial in his courage to reproduce the intense fears of childhood in story form.

Where the Wild Things Are is my all time favorite (I have many favorites but this one has been longstanding!) so I wanted to start here to book review and encourage a revival of reading time. My vision of A Storytelling Parent is an intentional parent who selects books to help their child with everyday problems and unusual life experiences.  A Storytelling Parent is both a comfort and a resource.

Be a Storytelling Parent:

Read or re-read the book to yourself first. Reflect on recent experiences with your child and their needs at this time as they relate to the story.  Review the conversation sparks and lessons in bounce back guides.  Be mindful in the present experience of reading and listening to your child

Find a quiet place to snuggle with your child and a copy of  Where the Wild Things Are. Read the book at a slow and steady pace so you and your child can take in the pictures and the mood of the story.  Pause before reading the last page: "and it was still hot."

Conversation Sparks

 Why did Max's mom send him to bed early?

How did Max feel when he was alone in his room?

How does Max use his imagination to calm himself down?

Do you think those monsters are scary?

Why isn't Max afraid?

Can you remember Max's trick to tame the wild things?

Why did Max send the wild things off to bed?

Does Max's mom love him even when he does bad things?  How do we know?

 Lessons in Bounce Back

How would Max feel if he used time out to focus on how hungry he was?

     How would the story change if Max used time out to think about how unfair it was that his  wild rumpus ended? Or how mean his mom was?

 

Story time is an opportunity of attachment first, learning second. Pick and choose your questions based on your child and their current need for help in these areas. Storytelling is interactive, and informative to both parent and child--You may be surprised at the answers you will get if you wait! 

Because life has many chapters, every child needs a storytelling parent.

 Please share a favorite insight from your Storytelling with your own wild thing!